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So this past Thursday, I went to see the new Harry Potter movie at midnight. What can I say, I like to live dangerously. Anyways,
it was pretty crazy- there were hordes of people there, all decked out
in their Harry Potter costumes and whatnot, and people in the
auditorium were cheering for the movie and shouting OH-IO (I guess that school spirit mantra applies in all social situations. I’m pretty sure I heard someone shout it at a funeral the other day.) I really wanted to yell “VOLDEMORT AND MICHIGAN RULE!” but I decided that I wanted to live long enough to see the film. So
I have to say, I really enjoyed the movie- I won’t go into details for
those of you haven’t seen it as I don’t want to spoil anything
(Hermione dies and Harry and Ron have a homoerotic tryst in the prefect
bathroom), but it’s safe to say that it was a quality film despite the
cuts they made for expediency.
But seeing the movie also made me realize something: this was the first movie in a long time that I was genuinely excited to see. In the last few weeks, I’ve seen Elizabethtown, The Weatherman, about 45 min. of Legend of Zorro, and Doom. And do you know what all these movies have in common? They’re not very good. In fact, they pretty much sucked. Maybe it’s just me, but it seems that there have been a lot of crappy movies coming out lately. In fact, I would say that 2005 has been one the worst years for movies in quite some time. Ticket
sales are down several billion dollars as compared to last year, with a
long slump this summer that was one of the worst in the past twenty
years. The explanation, according to the analysts? The movies are bad. I have to agree. In
my opinion, the only really good movies released all year were: House
of Wax, The Amityville Horror, The Pacifier, Hide and Seek,
Monster-in-Law, The Dukes of Hazzard, XXX: State of the Union, Stealth,
Rebound, Elektra, White Noise, Alone in the Dark, Son of Mask,
Boogeyman, Man of the House, The Perfect Man, The Man, Underclassman,
Undiscovered, Supercross, and Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo. The rest were mediocre at best.
See what I don’t understand is instead of
releasing brilliant and awe-inspiring films like Transporter 2,
Hollywood comes out with junk. Case in point: the movie “Waiting…”. I never even saw the movie, but I’m pretty sure it sucked. First of all, any movie that contains unnecessary punctuation in its title is going to be crap. They
could have just called it “Waiting,” but they decided to tack on an
ellipsis as if to suggest a forthcoming conclusion to the thought, as in
“Waiting…for the writer to develop a cohesive story that revolves
around more than Ryan Reynold’s smug grin”. Numero Dos- Ryan Reynolds is pretty bad in the film. Like
I said, I haven’t actually watched the movie, but it doesn’t really
matter since he plays the EXACT SAME CHARACTER IN EVERY MOVIE. As the Academic Junior would say, “What the Frick?”. Waiting
undoubtedly features more of the cocky, smart alec persona that
Reynolds has been phoning in since his days on Two Guys and a Girl. No
good Ryan. And to top it off, Waiting has Andy Milonakis in it, which automatically makes it the worst movie ever made. Seriously, who gave this guy his own show? It’s so painful. I used to think it was nice that MTV gave this 12-year-old kid his own show, until I realized that he is actually 29 years old! Yes, you read that right- twenty-nine years old. I
was seriously considering delaying this post until January, just so you
could appreciate the full of effect of me saying that Andy Milonakis is
in his THIRTIES. Shocking and awful. So to sum it up: Waiting sucks, and if you like it I automatically rescind our friendship.
Luckily for us, however, Hollywood has come up with a solution to this problem. In order to resuscitate a nearly brain-dead box office, the studios have decided to fall back on what they do best: sequels. So here’s a sneak preview of the crop of movie titles that will be hitting the theaters in 2006…
First up is the sequel to the 1999 cult classic, The Boondock Saints. In
this long awaited follow up, the saints travel to Ireland and join the
IRA to prove once and for all how cool it is to kill people in the
name of Catholicism. Seriously, it’s not wrong if you have the words “veritas” and “ǽquitas” tattooed on your hands. I’m not really sure what those words mean, but I think it’s latin for “murder is awesome…especially in slow motion”. The
saints’ act of repatriation has further implications, however, as they
discover a long lost comrade in the rural areas of the country:
That’s right, Lucky the Leprechaun. For
years this tortured soul has sat back and taken crap from hundreds of
children who insist on pilfering his magically delicious cereal. I’m not sure if those youngsters know this, but the eighth commandment reads “Thou Shalt Not Steal”. They’re always after his lucky charms…and now they’re going to die. Their bodies are about to be fortified with the one and only essential mineral: lead. You get the idea. Lucky
is officially accepted into the brotherhood of the saints, and together the trio
search the countryside to exact vengeance upon all the sinners of the
land. And remember, the boondock saints are not serial murderers. They’re cereal murderers. Hahah, get it? Sigh.
Kevin G is back in his very own spin-off, which continues the story of last year’s hit teenage comedy, Mean Girls. The
new film finds Kevin in a tense situation- the national Mathlete
competition is fast approaching and Kevin must do his best to prepare
his team and lead them to victory, all while balancing his
responsibilities as a Rapper/Badass M.C. This feat
is made more difficult however when Cady, in an attempt to reconnect
with her ethnic roots, begins to practice a traditional African ritual
called starvation. Can Kevin get Cady enough Caltene bars to rescue her from the brink of anorexia so she can dominate the Mathlete finals? Is Kevin going to give up his mathematic endeavors to pursue a full time music career? Will Kevin change his stance on dating only women of color? Will this movie be populated with additional SNL alumni that left to show to start failed movie careers? You must see it to find out!
The next movie in the Armageddon series, this film
features the return of one cinema’s most infamous villains: that
big…asteroid…thing. 60 years have passed since the
events of the first film, and the two asteroid pieces have reconnected
due to gravitational pull and are on their second pass towards Earth. Unfortunately,
most of the crew from the first film are too elderly to take part in a
second space mission, so NASA, in a brilliant maneuver, decides to
destroy the asteroid by reflecting a high-powered laser beam off Ben
Affleck’s excruciatingly white teeth (Hey, I noticed it before they
showed it on VH1. Jerks.). This plan, due to it’s
simple nature, only takes about a half an hour to execute, so the rest
of the movie is just clips of stuff blowing up from Michael Bay’s other
works. Except Pearl Harbor. That one kind of sucked. Add
in the other elements of the Michael Bay formula- a random strip club
scene, Steve Buscemi acting insane, and some oddly placed homophobic
dialogue, and you are left with a fantastic action blockbuster sequel. It’ll be at least three times better than Deep Impact, I swear.
So this is the sequel to the surprisingly successful and incredibly overrated independent film by Jared and Jerusha Hess. It doesn’t really matter what happens since you’ll all quote it ad nauseam anyways. Honestly, what’s the deal? I’m pretty sure quoting the first movie was about a million times funnier than actually watching it. Oh wait- no it wasn’t. I
really think the entire movie could have consisted of a thirty-second
loop of Napoleon saying “Gosh! Sweet! Idiot!” over and over again and
nobody would really be able to tell the difference. And I can’t wait to see the “Re-elect Pedro” shirts circulating when the next film comes out. Man, some people are so clever. So remember, Napoleon Dynamite 2- it’s the best thing to come out of Idaho since…um, Napoleon Dynamite 1.
In 1998, a freakishly lucrative film was made about a boat that sinks. It was called Titanic and for a brief moment in time, it captivated a nation…of lovesick 12-year-old girls. Given its status as the most profitable domestic film of all time, the production of a sequel is a no-brainer. So
once again, cinematic auteur James Cameron steps into the director’s
chair (and writer’s, producer’s and editor’s chairs *cough control
freak cough*) to bring us Titanic II. This time around, the world is still reeling from the tragic loss of the Unsinkable Ship on that cold April night. However,
albeit contrary to common sense, the folks at Harland and Wolff
shipyard decide to build an even bigger boat to see how many passengers
they can kill this time (Hollywood logic isn’t always perfect, but hey,
at least it’s not dinosaurs rampaging through Los Angeles). The tension rises, however, as during the maiden voyage of the RMS Titanic II, the boat is engulfed in a massive storm. With killer sharks. And then terrorists place a bomb onboard, so if the ship drops below 100 knots…it explodes. Oh and did I mention that the iceberg is back? It is. And this time, it has nukes. Enough said.
But the real shocker of the story is the return of Jack Dawson. Yes, Leo is back. You see, you never actually see him die in the first film. You assume that because he was all frozen looking that he was a goner, but in reality, he was just playing it smart. He
realized, a little late unfortunately, that Rose was one of those high
maintenance rich girls, and he wisely dodged that relationship. After
thawing out and swimming his way back to shore, Jack is quickly adopted
by a stay-at-home psychologist father and his journalist wife. His
life soon gives way to a torrent of adventure, however, as he is
stricken with autism and climbs a nearby water tower, develops a heroin
addiction while on his high school basketball team, falls in love with
an unusually well-versed girl from a rival family, seeks revenge
against the rival gang leader who killed his father, and lives the life
of a young con artist all before dedicating his life to becoming a
movie producer/aviation pioneer/OCD victim. Yeah, who has the fullest life now Rose? What did you do with your life- ride some horses and toss a $250,000,000 diamond into the ocean? I thought so.
Just this month, Curtis Jackson made his cinematic debut in the semi-autobiographical film Get Rich or Die Tryin. I quote Faraz when I say “I wouldn’t even see that movie in the fifty cent theater!” Hah. But I have to confess, this isn’t really a sequel so much as it is an excuse for me to talk about how much 50 cent annoys me. First of all, I love how anytime someone says “Fiddy Cent” people nearly die of hysteria. It’s not that funny. You
know the world is in a sad state of affairs when the absolute zenith of
humor consists of white people sayings the words “Foshizzle My Nizzle”. See it’s funny because it’s the not at all the type of language that one associates with the Caucasian lexicon. I believe that’s called irony. Secondly, I pretty much hate all of 50 cent’s songs. Listening to the lyrics of “Candy Shop” makes me hope they reinstate slavery. I mean, I’ve heard my fair share of prurient music, but this song really takes cake. It’s almost as if they’re using candy themed terminology as a euphemism for lewd sexual acts. Hmm. And while the suggestion of complete bondage may be a bit harsh, I think I could settle for concentration camps. They could fill them with chairs and chalkboards and teach occupants how to speak properly. Maybe they could call them schools. See
at this point the average person would include some sort of lame
disclaimer arguing how they’re not really racist and that they’re just
writing this as a form of satire. While I understand
that people often make sweeping character assessments based upon the
content of one’s online journal, I’m not going to acquiesce to such
pressure and will instead offer a poignant “screw you” and add a
superfluous “I don’t like them Negroes”. Besides, being racist doesn’t make you a bad person. Murder
makes you a bad person, and to that end 50 cent should be charged with
the first-degree premeditated slaughter of the English language. Word.
Yes, it’s true. The goriest film of all time is getting a big budget remake. The
best thing about watching the original movie is that it makes you
appreciate Peter Jackson’s contemporary films that much more. It’s
really beyond me how anyone can go from a movie that includes a “rat
monkey” as a major plot device to winning an Academy Award, but it’s
true nonetheless. Anywho, the new Dead Alive should be quite interesting. As with every other recent Peter Jackson film, this movie will clock in at just over three and a half hours in length. The lawnmower scene alone is over an hour long! Think about that for a second. My
own expectation is that this movie will be received much like the
upcoming King Kong: people will be overjoyed at the arrival of the film
until they realize, much to their chagrin, that the movie is in fact
*not* Lord of the Rings. Oh well there’s always a chance that The Hobbit will make its way to the big screen. Never…lose…hope…
The sequel to last summer’s whimsical remake, this
movie stars the recently acquitted Michael Jackson as the proprietor of
a magical chocolate factory. In the film, he holds a contest in which five golden tickets are placed in chocolate bars around the world. Those who find the ticket win a tour of the magical factory. The ticket reads as follows:
Dear Winner,
Congratulations! You have won a fantastic tour of my wonderfully delicious magical factory! Hee-hee-hee! The factory is a wonderful place where all your dreams can come true. Due to a rather severe Peter-Pan complex, I have created my factory as a special place imbued with a youthful spirit. Only those who are young of heart and physiological development can enter my factory. Unfortunately, that means your parent or guardian cannot come with you. You see, adults exude a cold and cynical aura which will disrupt the ambience of my factory. And they’re so boring anyways! Those
mean, mean adults are always trying to make rules about everything-
rules about how much candy you can eat, rules about when you have to go
to sleep, and rules dictating what is considered appropriate contact
between adults and children. That’s no fun at all! There are no rules inside my factory. It is a place of joy and happiness. So I hope to see you all soon at my wonderful tour! See you later alligator! Hee-Hee!
P.S. – Contrary to popular belief, I don’t have a dentist for a father. That was a lame storyline that Hollywood inserted into the movie instead of staying faithful to the novel. See how adults mess everything up?
Sincerely,
Willy Wonka.
That’s right. The penguins are about to march…again. This time, there isn’t even a movie. In fact, there’s nothing on the screen at all besides a picture of a baby penguin. (Because they’re freaking adorable, that’s why!) Instead, the entire story is told audibly via the badass voice of Morgan Freemen. Is it just me, or does Morgan Freemen narrate like every movie nowadays? Well he should. He’s pretty much the coolest. Remember how sweet he was in Outbreak? I
bet he could have beat that African Motabi virus single-handedly.
In fact, Morgan Freemen is so awesome that the makers of Bruce Almighty
(And the upcoming Evan Almighty. Gag.) enlisted him to play the role of
The Divine. That's going a little too far in my opinion, but it
does say something. And every movie that Morgan Freemen has been in has pretty much been amazing. Well except Deep Impact I guess. Hahah, I’m so mean to that movie.
…Yeah. Okay, so I’ve noticed this new trend. These guys are ALWAYS starring in each other’s movies. And it’s not just an isolated incident here or there- it’s like all the time. What’s going on? And they’re all pretty much the same movie too. I really can’t tell the difference between any of them. It’s
always Ben Stiller acting eccentric, Owen Wilson acting quirky, Luke
Wilson being soft-spoken, Vince Vaughn talking really fast, and Will
Ferrell going crazy. I mean, it’s like some sort of modern rat pack has emerged…except one of them isn’t a member of the church of satan. Hahah. (See that was one of those elitist references that sort of slip under the radar. Kind of like that episode of Family Guy where Peter is like “That’s what they said about Benjamin Disraeli”. And then it cuts to him and he’s like “You don’t even know who I am”. He was the first Jewish prime minister of Britain, in case you were wondering). So anyways, the point is that these guys have co-starred with each other an insane amount of times. I’ve created this little diagram to better illustrate my point:
Hmm…on second thought I’m not so sure about that whole satanist thing. But as you can see, it’s pretty complex. Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson have the most connections, as they’ve starred in an astounding nine different movies together. Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, Vince Vaughn, and Will Ferrell have all starred in Starsky and Hutch and Zoolander. Ben Stiller, Luke Wilson, Vince Vaughn, and Will Ferrell have all starred in Anchorman. But oddly enough, there has never been a movie that has featured all five of the guys. Until now, that is. It’s the perfect film for the 18-to-24-year-old-white-male demographic...Funny Movie: Our focus group says you’re gonna like it.
Ah yes, we come to it at last. Batman Begins furthers its fresh take on the franchise with its second installment- Batman Continues. In this sequel, the story revolves around a plotting supervillian, dubbed Dr. Scientologus, played by superstar Tom Cruise. The
aging doctor is in need of an heir to continue his devious work against
Gotham City, so he searches for a suitable vessel to deliver his
progeny. Seeking to kill two birds in one stone, he
kidnaps Rachel Dawes, girlfriend of Bruce Wayne, thus simultaneously
acquiring a mother for his child and securing a bait to lure Batman to
his lair (where he will obviously meet his demise!). Rachel Dawes is once again played by Katie Holmes, while the role of Batman is now played by newcomer James Van Der Beek. Batman must rescue his girlfriend from the clutches of the crazy doctor, or else she may be lost forever. Will Batman be reunited with the girl he truly belongs with? (Unless you were one of those Joey/Pacey fans, in which case, shame on you). There’s only one way to find out. Batman Continues…coming soon.
That pretty much wraps it up folks.
Oh, and I know the last one was kind of a double-dip…but I just couldn’t resist.
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