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Monday, January 07, 2008

Mon, 07 Jan 2008 06:20:09 GMT

It Could Happen To Me.

A friend of mine once perfectly distilled my cumulative experience as a human being into a single sentence when he said, "Your life is a like a Ben Stiller movie." Not the kind where he portrays a zany or eccentric character like in Dodgeball or Zoolander, however. No, I'm referring to the ones in which he plays the rigid straight man who is simply trying to get through life in a painless fashion but is instead blindsided by a series of chance mishaps that proceed to eliminate any possibility of that ever happening. Think Meet the Parents or Along Came Polly.

A chain of events occurred recently that only serve to confirm this rather astute observation and to uphold the fact that my life inevitably seems to unfold with a degree of coincidental misfortune and ironic tragedy that is ordinarily confined to Shakespearean theater and episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm.

I'd like to preface this story with a short but related anecdote- a doleful appetizer, if you will, to my entrée of despair.

At the beginning of this school year I declined an opportunity to buy a parking pass- the weather would be warm and pleasant for quite some time, I thought to myself, and I could simply rely on walking or riding the COTA to fulfill my transportation needs. Armed with the knowledge that the price of a pass continues to decrease with each passing month, I resolved to wait until the start of winter quarter to obtain my permit, when the frigid temperatures and crowded buses truly merit such a purchase.

Left without a permit for the entire autumn quarter, however, I was forced to develop a rather creative parking strategy, squatting in loading zones for up to thirty minutes at a time or driving past blocks of meters until I found a recently abandoned space with time still remaining on the clock. Unfortunately, I have not been blessed with the same good fortune as my aforementioned friend (who parked illegally on campus with impunity and somehow managed to always evade detection), as I received within the span of a few weeks two parking tickets, costing $35 each, for a total fine of $70, which I paid in full to the Ohio State Department of Transportation and Parking. And yet my plan, in forgoing the parking pass until January, was to save some money and, as renowned game show host and germaphobe Howie Mandel would say, "to make a good deal". The cost of a "C" parking pass at the beginning of the year? $210. The cost of a parking pass in January? $140. The savings after eleven weeks of sacrifice? A grand total of exactly....$70.

But wait--this wayward train keeps rolling in what I shall call- in keeping with my rather trite and poorly formed dining analogy- the main course of melancholy.

***

While this January 3rd was undoubtedly an important milestone for many political commentators and a multitude of Iowans, the date is significant to my life for only one reason: on this day, following a quarter of parking discreetly and returning to my car with an overwhelming sense of dread, I was finally buying a parking pass.

The OSU Department of Transportation and Parking maintains its headquarters in 160 Bevis Hall, which, for a reason that currently escapes me, is located far from campus near the agricultural center of the university. After stopping for directions in what appeared to be a building dedicated to continuing education for old people (gross), I found my desired destination and parked outside. And que buena suerte! I found a parking meter far from expiration, which would cover the cost of my final fare. Heading for the building, I looked back longingly toward the meter one last time- it was a tender and bittersweet moment for the two of us, for our quarter-long relationship had finally come to an end.

Returning my attention to the prized parking pass that awaited me, I walked inside Bevis Hall with a sense of insuppressible excitement- a feeling that was quickly laid to rest at the sight of the long snake-like line that was wrapped around the corner and out towards the exit. This departed feeling of enthusiasm slowly transformed into one of excruciating ennui upon my realization that the line, in defiance of its swift serpentine appearance, was moving at no more than a snail's pace.

In the midst of my boredom, I noticed that the man in front of me was here to pay for a parking citation. My mind started to wander- what if this man was forced to wait in this sluggish line for so long that his parking meter expired and he was issued a second parking ticket by Transportation and Parking while attempting to pay for the first inside the department's own headquarters? I could picture him returning to his car, thinking himself free of all debts to T & P, only to find another ticket and immediately marching back inside to make an additional payment, which would certainly be a difficult task considering the lengthy wait. And what if it didn't end there? What if the process repeated itself over and over again, creating an infinite regression of reappearing citations and never-ending lines? I imagine this is what purgatory is like for people who work for the DMV.

I was stirred from my musings when after nearly an hour of waiting I heard a voice call out to me like an angel from the heavens, "Next person in line please." A rather curt and discourteous angel, it seems, but a delightful one nonetheless.

After a number of formalities involving license plate numbers and local addresses, I was finally in possession of my precious pass! She handed me the parking permit and instructed me to have a nice day. Oh I will, unusually slow-typing secretary- today is the dawning of a new age. An era free of fear and guilt, when men will pull confidently into parking spaces and never return early from adventure and/or yoga class to "fill up the meter".

Exiting the building with my shiny new C-pass in hand, I felt unable to control my jubilation. "Hooray!" I thought to myself, "What a great feeling this is, knowing I will never have to pay another parking ticket ever again!".

I walked toward my car, fumbled through my jacket pocket until found my keys, and proudly unlocked the vehicle. But as I approached the driver's side door of my valiant steed, ready to adorn its nape with my beautiful new permit, I noticed a glint of something shiny out of the corner of my eye. Freezing in mid stride and feeling my blood run cold, I slowly turned my neck to the left and took a gander at my windshield, straining my eyes for a closer look. And lying there, coiled underneath my wiper blades like a python ready to strike, was this:

The cost of a new parking permit? $140

Adding the cherry atop a lifelong sundae of poignant irony: Priceless.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Wed, 18 Jul 2007 17:28:22 GMT

Par For The Discourse

With the 2008 presidential election approaching, political debates in the news and throughout the blogosphere are growing ever more heated and vitriolic. Unfortunately, it seems the modern media zeitgeist is characterized by a noticeable lack of intellectual rigor, where blind ignorance and unabashed hatred assume a position traditionally reserved for cogent argumentation and reasoned dialectic. With this thought in mind, I would like to take the opportunity to raise our political discourse to a heretofore unknown level of sophistication:

ABORTION

Last year, South Dakota passed House Bill 1215, which banned the termination of pregnancies in nearly all cases, reigniting a decades old debate surrounding the procedure. Now the controversy over abortion, or as I like to call it, BABY GENOCIDE, generally splits people into two camps- those who believe it’s cool to suck children’s brains out of their head with a straw, and those who think that human life might have some shred of value and dignity. The members of the former group, the ones who support the embryonic Rwanda, like to refer to themselves as “pro-choice”. Look, I’m pretty sure the only choice you have to make is whether or not you want to be a freaking murderer. It’s really that simple. These people think abortion is something to get excited about and they actually cheer every time a doctor crushes a baby’s skull- just look at these freaks celebrating kiddie massacre:

The latter group refers to themselves as “pro-life” and I am not too enamored by what I find on this side of the fence either. You see, my biggest problem with the pro-life position is that it doesn’t do enough to punish women. Here you have these worthless whores butchering their own offspring and we don’t even charge them with a crime! Sure, you save the child’s life, which is good and all, but I’d really like to see more humiliation and trauma for the ladies who put themselves in this position as a consequence of their own terrible decisions. That’s why I think that if a woman wants to have an abortion, she should be required to give birth to her child without an epidural and be forced to consciously strangle the life out of her newborn baby by deliberately winding the umbilical chord around its neck and watching as it slowly dies of asphyxiation. That’ll teach that slut to use protection next time.

Arguments in defense of the fetal holocaust are usually limited to a few paltry excuses. People often say, “Well what about if the mother’s life is in danger?” I don’t see how that is a justification for murder. Why is the mother’s life more important than that of the child? After all, the woman has already experienced life for about 20 or 30 years (Or 10 to 15 years, if the mother happens to be Black or Hispanic), so shouldn’t she be a little less selfish and allow her child a chance to live a full life? I mean, I could see how it could be a tough call if the baby were female- that’s like choosing between rotten eggs and spoiled milk- but if it’s male then it’s automatically twice as valuable as the mother from the moment of conception. Either way, I think the best solution is to make them both fight to the death like Kirk and Spock at the end of “Amok Time” (Not that I follow that nerdy trekkie crap).

The pre-natal Darfur advocates also contend that banning baby murder will force women to seek dangerous back-alley abortions, claiming such illegal operations often lead to infection, hemorrhaging, and even death. Well those sound like perfectly fair punishments for trying to liquidate your own kid. It’s mind-boggling to me that we don’t lock up these women in jail for the rest of their lives to begin with. These women are blatantly guilty of attempted murder and don’t even get a slap on the wrist while hard-working men like Jeffrey Skilling of Enron receive double-digit sentences for simply developing creative new business practices. Does that sound like justice to you? I say that if a back-alley abortion allows a woman to get away with homicide with only a torn uterus as a penalty, she should consider herself the recipient of a pretty decent bargain. Besides, to claim that the illegalization of abortion will leave women with no choice but to visit a seedy black market doctor is patently ridiculous- there are a number of simple and viable alternatives:

Another common quip is “Well what if the woman is raped? Should she be forced to carry the rapist’s child in her body for nine months?” In a word: Yes. Now I know this going to ruffle some feathers among the Femi-nazi crowd out there, but let’s be honest here for a second- aren’t most women who get raped pretty much asking for it? I mean, last time I checked, people don’t just come into your house and rape you- you have to do something to provoke it. (And even if they do, remember- it’s your fault for not locking the doors.) You see, the reason that all these women get assaulted nowadays is because they all prance around in these revealing little outfits. If you don’t cover up properly, then you can’t really blame men for simply acting on their natural instincts. Blame Darwin I guess (Assuming you believe in that Devilution stuff). The bottom line is that if you’re a woman who insists on walking around in a tiny miniskirt and skimpy tanktop, you might as well be holding a sign that says ‘Hi, I would like to be forcibly penetrated’. If all you women don’t want to get raped, put some clothes on!

And- if that’s not enough proof- according to the Bureau of Justice Statistics, two thirds of all rapes occur at night, mostly between the times of 6pm and Midnight. Hmm, interesting statistic there- looks like the majority of women are raped when they are partying the night away out on the town. Maybe so many women wouldn’t get raped if they would just stay at home where they belong. After all, when was the last time you heard of a woman getting pounced on while she’s making a sandwich in the kitchen? (Except by her husband of course, but that doesn’t count because it’s impossible for a husband to rape his wife. I’ve never understood the logic of the feminists here- if you already own the car, why would you need permission to ride in it, you know what I mean?) The point here is that women who are raped need to carry their babies to term and keep them as a reminder of what they did wrong and why they deserved what happened to them. I’m sure that after changing diapers for a couple of years they’ll be careful not to repeat the same mistake again. So the conclusion here should be obvious: Baby-murdering is immoral and has to be completely outlawed. Anyone who doesn’t believe that all life is sacred and worthy of respect is a big fat idiot and should be immediately executed.

STEM CELL RESEARCH

On July 19^th, 2006, our Glorious Leader, George W. Bush, used his first presidential veto to block the Stem Cell Research Enhancement Act of 2005, which would have allowed federal funding of stem cell research on lines of stem cells created from discarded human embryos developed for the purpose of fertility treatment. Now I don’t really have any idea what any of that stuff means, but apparently stem cell research has something to do with embryos, so I’m just going to assume that it involves baby murder of some kind. I suppose I could take the time to learn all the “scientific mumbo jumbo” involved, but it sounds like a lot of work that would be better suited to lab geeks and other science nerds who get physically aroused at the sight of test tubes. All I know is that every embryo is really a miniature human being that is frozen in suspended animation- just like that wonderful Jew-hater Walt Disney. I mean, is there any proof that all this stem cell crap can actually help anyone? So what if it has the potential to cure Parkinson’s? C’mon…when did having a little case of the shakes ever hurt anyone? Who cares if it could possibly provide the key to ending Alzheimer’s? Sure, those afflicted with the disease might be angry at first that they will never be cured, but I’m sure they’ll forget about it in no time.

And even though most of the embryos in the vetoed act were unused samples created for in vitro fertilization treatments that were just going to be destroyed or discarded anyways, I think most people would agree that it is more sensible to dump human beings into the garbage rather than sacrifice them for the betterment of mankind. I just don’t feel that this research has shown much promise yet and it seems kind of unfair that people with non-terminal illnesses should benefit when many others are dying. Why should quadriplegics and other people affected with spinal cord injuries get an easy way out from this technology? Can’t they just walk it off? And while I fully support President Bush in his decision to put a stop to all this stem cell baby slaughtering nonsense, I do consider myself a pretty reasonable human being and thus I am advocating a compromise of sorts; a legislative conciliation that I believe will appease all parties. Simply put, embryonic stem cell research should be legal, but it should only be used to find a cure for the most heinous of all diseases- like homosexuality.

This way, everybody wins and nobody loses. Except the homos, of course, and that’s the way God intended it. Which brings me to my next topic…

GAY MARRIAGE

First of all, I would just like to say that I wholeheartedly support gay marriage in its traditional understanding. After all, the literal denotation of the term is simply “a joyous union between a man and a woman as husband and wife”. And who doesn’t want that? The problem is with the new meaning of the phrase, which apparently has something do with homosexuals. Gross. The appropriation of the term ‘gay marriage’ by the secular progressive crowd is just another example of the burgeoning epidemic of lingual terrorism that runs rampant in our society. You see, I’m a linguistic conservative- I believe that words have one meaning and one meaning only. Much like cellular life on earth, they don’t evolve over time but rather remain completely static following their creation. Or at least that’s how it’s supposed to work. But here you have these freaking Lieberals trying to steal marriage and systematically destroy it by means of their unrelenting lexical vandalism. It’s all part of the ongoing War on English. But I digress.

To return to the topic at hand, I really don’t see why people whine so much about gay marriage. I mean, why do those people need to get married? It is a proven fact that gays don’t form committed relationships but rather engage in rampant promiscuity, constantly jumping from one sexual partner to the next. That’s why God created AIDS- to punish them for their disgusting acts of fornication.

But the biggest problem with gay marriage is that it prevents straight couples from enjoying their own union. Marriage is like a nice country club- it has to be exclusive in order to be satisfying (Just imagine trying to explain to your caddy how the influx of blacks are destroying the property values in your neighborhood with one of those mischievous darkies hovering around the fairway). How can these homosexuals be so selfish as to demand rights that will interfere with the lives of so many other people? Can’t they understand that they will destroy the sanctity of marriage? Straight people like Jennifer Lopez and Britney Spears have worked very hard to preserve the sacred nature of marriage and these homos want to make light of the entire institution! I mean, at least heterosexuals have a reason to marry one another- when they engage in familial relations, they produce viable offspring and are therefore single-handedly responsible for the propagation and continued existence of the human race. By contrast, I’m pretty sure the only result of two dudes having sex is eternal damnation.

GAY ADOPTION

Another important issue concerning the gays is the issue of same-sex adoption. Or, as it should be more appropriately labeled, sick and unnatural adoption. So apparently some people hate America so much that they believe that homosexuals should not only be allowed to ruin the institution of marriage but that they should be able to adopt kids as well. Look, if those people want to have kids, they should do it the old fashioned way. (Oh wait, they can’t! Hmm…I wonder if nature is trying to tell them something…). Besides, even if you adopt children, you’re still not their real parents. I mean, you’re more like a glorified babysitter. So what’s the point? And it’s clear that same-sex couples only want to adopt children so they can indoctrinate them into their gay liberal agenda and convert them into homosexuals in order to create a massive queer army bent on eradicating traditional family values and putting demoncrats like Hitlery Rotten Clinton into the White House.

Because I am a compassionate conservative, however, I am not totally opposed to all forms of child rearing by gays. In fact, I think with a kid around the gays might actually be forced to take periodic breaks from their busy life of spreading HIV and generally being an all-around abomination. Basically, the solution I have developed is this: Gays should only be allowed to adopt gay children. It makes perfect sense if you think about it. Homosexuals get to pretend like they have a real family and they don’t even have to contaminate any innocent straight children with their immoral lifestyle in order to do so. And I really think it’s better for those people to stick to their own kind anyways. I mean, how can a homosexual couple raise a heterosexual child? What if little Johnny comes home one day from football practice and says that he has a crush on a girl from school? What advice could his pair of fathers possibly have for him? “Well son, have you tried sodomy? It worked for us!” You get the picture. But if the kid has made the same choice to be gay, they can teach him all about being sensitive and talking with a lisp and whatever else homo-sick-xuals do. So it works out perfectly. Now you may be wondering, where are the gays going to get these homosexual children? It’s very simple really. Though it may be hard to believe, there are actually quite a large number of conservative republicans who would be willing to donate their own gay children in exchange for some non-defective ones. The following diagram should help to clarify my plan:

So the gays will basically be preaching their agenda to the choir while the conservatives will be able to raise their children to be morally righteous human beings…you know, the kind that will grow up to hate children with two mommies or daddies. Yuck.

RACIAL PROFILING

One of the smarter moves in this Post-9/11 era has been the adoption of racial profiling policies toward A-rabs, Mozlems, and other people of terrorist descent. In recent years, airports around the country have started singling out the brownies for increased scrutiny and I wholeheartedly applaud their actions. But of course the Al-Qaeda loving liberals object to this common sense security measure, arguing that all people should be subjected to equal inspection. Sorry terrorist-huggers, but luckily for us America was not founded upon some idiotic notion that all people should receive equal treatment under the law.

Besides, why should people be treated equally when they do not have an equal likelihood of committing acts of terrorism? Loony liberals have us strip searching toddlers and doing cavity probes of seventy-year-old grandmothers in wheelchairs while some skinny little A-rab with a beard and turban named Jihad Al Jihad Al Jihad gets to scoot right on through because showing even the slightest suspicion of a man like him would be “racist” and an “infringement” on his precious civil rights. Well excuse me, but if you wear the international uniform of a terrorist, then you should expect to be treated like one. I don’t understand why these freaking A-rabs are always complaining. I mean, if ridiculously good looking white people started blowing stuff up all the time, I would have absolutely no problem with being searched more thoroughly. But that’s just it- white people are not committing terrorism. I’m pretty sure every act of domestic terrorism in history has been perpetrated by one of these brown people. Just look at these two A-rab terrorists:

In fact, white people pretty much never commit any crimes, ever. When was the last time you heard of a white person causing a disturbance on a plane? (Except when they are valiantly overpowering evil-doing jihadists and stopping them dead in their tracks, United 93 style). If you think about it, white people shouldn’t even have to go through security at all. I mean, we are the master race- it’s the least they could do for us. (Although free peanuts would be nice too- yes, I’m talking to you Skybus). It would certainly cut down on the long lines, which are so annoying! Don’t get me wrong- I’m all for creating the strongest defense against terrorism as humanly possible- I just don’t think I should have to personally sacrifice anything in order to gain it. It simply doesn’t make any sense to punish white people for something they had nothing to do with- the only logical conclusion is to place that burden upon those who share arbitrary demographic designations with the terrorists. And if all you frickin’ A-rabs don’t want to be searched more often, maybe you should tell people who look EXACTLY LIKE YOU to stop bombing America. Or better yet, you could just go back to your own country where you belong! I’m sure you won’t have a problem with racial profiling in A-rabistan or whatever backwards sand dune you people come from.

IRAQ

Perhaps no issue is more contentious these days than the extremely successful and flawlessly executed war in Iraq. A large number of republicans have joined the democrats in committing high treason against their own country by criticizing the President and the perfect way in which he has managed this beautiful war. One reason for this misplaced criticism is the fact that the conflict has been swept into the culture of Political Correctness that is ruining our country and preventing people from seeing the truth. Of course things were not always this way. Back in World War II, for example, we knew those sneaky Japs were the enemy and we had the balls to say so. Check out these sweet displays of time-honored American patriotism to see what I am talking about:

You can practically smell the slanty-eyed nips shaking in their boots. But you can’t do the same thing today- if you state the obvious fact that we are at war with A-rabs, you will be crucified by the liberal media. And that’s exactly why this war has such a low approval rating- we don’t know who we are fighting. I want to see my neighbors brandishing their “A-rab Hunting Licenses” and communities showcasing xenophobic posters at their local multiplexes. I mean, the American people aren’t mind-readers and can’t support a war all on their own. The government needs to keep up its end of the bargain by pumping out a steady stream of propaganda to nudge us in the right direction.

So there’s a litany of other topics I could discuss here- the troop surge, the proposed timetable, the insane amount of ass our troops are kicking…but these are all very complex topics, and I’ve never been much of a fan of nuance. Like why be subtle when it’s so much easier to view things in black and white? That’s why the truth about the war in Iraq comes down to this: We are good. They are evil. We like democracy and long walks on the beach. They hate America and enjoy torturing kittens. So if you disagree with even an iota of this struggle, you are an unpatriotic traitor who probably cares more about terrorists than Americans. I mean, you anti-war crybabies don’t even have an argument. I’m so sick of these liberals saying crap like “But we’ve killed so many innocent people!” Who cares? They killed 3,000 of our civilians and we responded by killing 600,000 of theirs. I think that’s perfectly fair. Nothing spells retributive justice greater than the classic “200 eyes for an eye” policy.

After all, there’s no sense in wasting a good punishment simply because it’s too big to fit the crime. Our policies are a good ol’ fashioned example of lex talionis in action, sir. Besides, you also need to take into account the exchange rate between America and Iraq. In the same way that one American dollar is worth a couple hundred dinars or whatever weak-ass currency they have over there, one American life is similarly worth like a few hundred Iraqi lives. So if you think about, the net number of Iraqi civilian deaths is actually lower than the number of American deaths. Plus it’s not like those people are actually human. They’re terrorist insurgents for Christ’s sake! They’re like advanced animals, really. They don’t have souls like we do. I mean, do you people not understand that they are BROWN? Brown people don’t believe in love or happiness. They never smile or laugh or hug their children. Behind their cold lifeless eyes lies an eternal thirst for violence and death. In place of a heart, they possess within them only a dark abyss of ever-expanding hatred…hatred for our freedom.

IMMIGRATION

As I speak, Congress is working hard to pass comprehensive immigration reform legislation. The proposed bill S. 1348, also known as Secure Borders, Economic Opportunity and Immigration Reform Act of 2007 or by its full name The Shortest and Most Concisely Titled Bill Involving Secure Borders In Conjunction With Economic Opportunity Culminating In An Act Of Immigration Reform In The Two Thousandth And Seventh Year Of Our Lord Act, would provide amnesty to the nearly 12 million illegal aliens who have invaded America. Personally, illegal immigration is a difficult issue for me to tackle- as a conservative republican, I feel torn between my xenophobic desire to keep all colored foreigners out of America and my unwavering devotion to help corporations systematically exploit the poor for the benefit of cheaper labor costs. It is, admittedly, quite a conundrum, but what really grinds my gears is these frickin’ bleeding-heart liberals who want to give these I-llegals a free ride by giving them a pathway to citizenship. So let me get this straight: if a person breaks the law, they should be rewarded for it? Wow, that makes sense. Maybe we should just give trophies to people who rob banks. (Oh, that analogy does makes sense, kind sir).

Although it’s a tricky issue, the immigration debate basically comes down to this: These people are criminals. They don’t have a right to be here. They disrespected America by crossing into this country illegally, which proves that they don’t love this great nation. Even if you disagree with our immigration policies, not following laws is simply inexcusable. Like the other day I tried to board a bus on Cleveland Avenue and this friggin’ black woman was sitting right there in the front. I said, “Look here negro, your people are supposed to sit in the back of the bus. This section is Whites Only. Even if you disagree with it, a law is a law and it must be obeyed no matter what”. She refused to move, but luckily the bus driver was a good law abiding citizen like me and he called the police, who made sure that the insubordinate woman was put in jail where she belongs.

But like I was saying, these Mexicans are vile bloodsucking leaches- they don’t speak English, they steal our jobs, they crowd our schools, they use social services that they don’t pay taxes for, they destroy our culture, they rape our women, and they support Al Qaeda. (If that last one seems rather farfetched to you, remember that Mexicans are brown and that is basically the first step to becoming a terrorist). It’s just a slap in the face to all of the people who immigrated to this country legally. Those people spend thousands of dollars of their own hard earned money in order to gain citizenship legally. Meanwhile, these Mexicans simply leave their entire family and everything they’ve ever known and spend a few days walking through a blistering hot desert staving off heat stroke and dehydration while simultaneously avoiding federal border patrol agents who are trained to shoot illegals on sight, and then they end up getting all the same benefits without any work! It’s just completely unfair. And is it really so difficult to just round up all 12 million of these people and ship them back to Mexico? They could just build a giant Home Depot and say it is offering nachos and bad cologne at no cost. You’d get about 8 million of them right then and there. Congress, it’s time to get serious and kick these freeloaders out of our country. (Edit: The Senate gave in to my demands and did not approve this awful bill- Congratulations, you guys finally managed to do something right for once. Now it’s time to start legislating a little “noche cristalina” to get rid of all those damn Taco Bells and Chipotles.)

EVOLUTION VS. INTELLIGENT DESIGN

Not too long ago, Kansas declared its allegiance with Satan by reincorporating the theory of evolution into its high school science curriculum. Apparently the inerrant Word of God is no longer good enough for the hippie liberals of the sunflower state- I’m surprised they haven’t changed their state motto from “Ad Astra Per Aspera” to “In Darwin We Trust”. (By the way Kansas, I believe House Bill 2140 made ENGLISH the official language of your state- you may want to introduce that piece of legislation to the moron that decided to write your motto in Mexican). The case of Kansas sets a dangerous precedent for this great nation. I don’t have any problem with schools teaching our children that Evolution is one theory regarding the origin of life that people who hate Jesus subscribe to in order to divert attention from the fact that they will never be saved- I just don’t understand why it’s the only theory that is taught. I mean, how can people be so sure that evolution is true? Were you fancy scientists actually there to see fish grow legs to become lizards or whatever you evil-utionists (No, Microsoft Word, I didn’t mean evolutionists, but thanks for making apparent your pro-monkey agenda) believe in? Do you fagnostics and gaytheists have any video evidence of monkeys losing their fur and becoming human? I didn’t think so. Until you build a time machine to return to the Mesozoic era and prove your claims, evolution should be taught as theory rather than fact. And don’t try to use any of that fossil talk to bolster your case- we all know that the Devil put dinosaur bones in the ground to confuse us.

What’s even more unbelievable, however, is the way that left-wingers want to exclude any alternative theories about how life began. Aren’t you liberals the ones who are always whining about the lack of intellectual diversity in education? That’s all we believers in intelligent design are asking for- why can’t you simply teach both theories? And this doesn’t just apply to evolution- I think we need greater intellectual diversity in many areas. Sure, some people may believe that all races are equal, but why can’t we also teach the widely held belief that the white race is inherently superior to all other races? We all know the popular theory is that the Egyptians built the pyramids, but shouldn’t we also discuss the idea that these creations are so complex and beyond the technological capacity of human beings that they could only have been created by aliens? And yes, most “scientists” believe that the sun is the center of the solar system rather than the earth, but including the former theory at the expense of the latter leads our educational system dangerously close to developing a heliocentric bias.

I mean, c’mon- are you really going to listen to a dirty sinner like Galileo, who fathered three children out of wedlock with that skank Marina Gamba? The same thing applies to Darwin- he was born in Shropshire, England, which proves without a shadow of a doubt that he is positively Un-American. Teaching his theory without a balancing counterpoint would be tantamount to instructing our children to hate America. And our troops. Shame on you, people of Kansas. Shame on You.

SEX EDUCATION

With the Dumb-ocrats in charge of Congress, it is simply inevitable that most legislation will lack any semblance of intelligence or rational thought- these people are way too busy taking hits from their bongs and worshipping the grave of General Mao to bother with something as pesky as “logic”. But every once in a while, they manage to do something that is so mind-numbingly idiotic that it even leaves me speechless. According to a recent Fox News article (Fair and Balanced), the Demoncrats are aiming to cut federal funding for Abstinence Only education programs! The morality-haters cite a study conducted last month, which found that teens who participate in abstinence only programs are just as likely to engage in sexual activity as those who participate in comprehensive sex education. Unfortunately, those who take this study as conclusive evidence that these programs are ineffective are sorely mistaken, for they are missing one key fact- teenagers who engage in pre-marital sex deserve to get STD’s and die. Here are the facts: teens who participate in abstinence only education programs and take their advice to heart go on to lead happy and healthy lives while those who deny the truth of their message get AIDS and slowly wither away until death. Therefore, abstinence only programs are actually extremely effective in eliminating immoral and undesirable individuals from the ranks of society. You see, one of the biggest problems with comprehensive sex education is that it leads to teenagers using protection, which will prevent them from contracting STD’s and living a miserable life of agony/itchy-burning sensations. It’s almost as if proponents of contraception don’t want teenagers to die at all! How is God supposed to enact divine justice and punish these terrible sinners for their crimes when prophylactic barriers preempt the transmission of diseases in the first place? It just doesn’t make sense.

Another problem with comprehensive education programs is that they basically teach kids how to have sex. I mean, here you have these teachers giving detailed instructions about which parts go into which holes, and then they scratch their heads when the rate of sexual activity among teenagers skyrockets. Of course kids are going to get curious if you start showing them pictures and diagrams of nakey people! It’s just like those awful DARE classes kids take in elementary school. They give them information about every drug and tell them all the cool things that happen when you experiment with them. I learned more about drugs just by going to school than I did from all my impressionable years in the tough ghettos of white middle-class suburbia. Is it really such a surprise that young Billy wants to freebase under the monkey bars when Officer Doobie-master describes it as “seriously the most intense high you can ever experience”? If you really want to stop teenagers from having sex, you should just stop talking about it altogether. Instead of referring to parts of anatomy with alluring words like “vagina,” how about substituting them with more realistic terms like “caverns of despair”? In fact, I think the word ‘sexual intercourse’ and all facsimiles should just be completely excised from the English language. After all, can teenagers truly “have sex” when those words don’t even exist? (It’s quite a philosophical conundrum). But I should stress that I’m not against all forms of comprehensive sex education. I just believe in including a different set of information in addition to promoting abstinence. The following diagram illustrates the differences quite nicely:

Simple and true. What more do you need?

THE MOZLEM-IZATION OF AMERICA

For some reason, the Mozlem Invasion is not typically considered an important political issue in America but its unexposed status is precisely what makes it so dangerous! These Izlamics are clearly seizing control of our nation, staging a slow but calculated coup right before our very eyes, yet most Americans are too busy watching crappy television shows like Desperate Housewives to even notice their advances. Luckily, there are a still a few vigilant individuals out there who have yet to be phased by Hollywood’s smoke screen and who recognize a serious threat when they see one. One such hero is Congressman Virgil Goode, a good ol’ fashioned conservative Republican who has served the great state Virginia for over ten years. Several months ago, Representative Goode spoke the truth on a very important topic and (unsurprisingly) received a lot of criticism from the mainstream liberal media for his comments.

You see, during the midterm election of 2006, a grave and terrifying event occurred that seemed to slip under the radar of most Americans- a Mozlem was elected into congress! Yes, sadly it’s true- the members of Minnesota’s fifth district, apparently America’s newest terrorist cell, somehow rigged the election in favor of Keith Ellison, an African-“American” and former state representative who converted from Catholicism to the Mozlemic religion while attending Wayne State University in Detroit. (This just goes to show the danger of experimenting with new things in college). And to add insult to injury, Mr. Ellison had the audacity to use a copy of the Koran rather than the Bible during his swearing-in reenactment ceremony, flying in the face of a tradition that has remained unbroken since George Washington. It was an even worse transgression of custom than when that scoundrel Jackie Robinson decided to shatter a similarly unbroken tradition that had existed from the inception of baseball. How could Mr. Ellison possibly have the gall to do something like that? The Bible forms the very foundation of government in America- that’s why the constitution cities biblical passages so frequently and stresses the importance of a religious test for public office. Placing one’s hand on a Bible is an extraordinarily important and sacred ritual that renders one accountable to the highest office of justice. Just think of the illegal activities that Richard Nixon or George W. Bush might have engaged in had they not taken an oath over the Good Book. And because Keith Ellison is not Christian and therefore not bound by anything contained in the holy documents of the Christian religion, it makes perfect sense to use the Bible in his proceedings. After all, we’re not talking about an insignificant event like the actual swearing in ceremony, which is performed en masse and without the use of a scriptural aid- we’re talking about the official re-enactment ceremony, which has no legal standing and functions essentially as a glorified photo-op. It’s very serious business. Or so you would think.

Unfortunately, many do not see the problem with Ellison’s actions and have not spoken up about it. But that’s where the aforementioned Representative Goode comes in. On December 6^th, 2006, Goode issued the following letter to John Cruickshank, chair of the Charlottesville chapter of the Sierra Club:

Dear Mr. Cruickshank:

Thank you for your recent communication. When I raise my hand to take the oath on Swearing In Day, I will have the Bible in my other hand. I do not subscribe to using the Koran in any way. The Muslim Representative from Minnesota was elected by the voters of that district and if American citizens don’t wake up and adopt the Virgil Goode position on immigration there will likely be many more Muslims elected to office and demanding the use of the Koran. We need to stop illegal immigration totally and reduce legal immigration and end the diversity visas policy pushed hard by President Clinton and allowing many persons from the Middle East to come to this country. I fear that in the next century we will have many more Muslims in the United States if we do not adopt the strict immigration policies that I believe are necessary to preserve the values and beliefs traditional to the United States of America and to prevent our resources from being swamped.

The Ten Commandments and “In God We Trust” are on the wall in my office. A Muslim student came by the office and asked why I did not have anything on my wall about the Koran. My response was clear, “As long as I have the honor of representing the citizens of the 5th District of Virginia in the United States House of Representatives, The Koran is not going to be on the wall of my office.” Thank you again for your email and thoughts.

Sincerely yours,
Virgil H. Goode, Jr.
70 East Court Street
Suite 215
Rocky Mount, Virginia 24151

Finally a voice of reason in this nation of crazy foreigner-loving liberals! (Just one minor criticism, Mr. Goode: I'm pretty sure it's spelled "Mozlems" not "Muslims"- I think those people get pretty offended when you get it wrong, so you should probably correct it before some crazy radical tries to chop your head off or something). It’s so true- if we don’t do something about all this immigration nonsense, pretty soon every elected official in this country will be a Mozlem and they’ll succeed in overthrowing our government and installing a radical fundamentalist theocracy, unlike the very secular government preferred by leaders like President Bush. Today we have one Mozlem in our Congress, so it logically follows that tomorrow we will undoubtedly have a nation governed by Shariah Law. It’s only a matter of time before pepperoni becomes a controlled substance and American women are forced to wear burqas! I especially like Goode’s point that the presence of Mozlems will destroy the traditional values and beliefs of America. In response to this threat to the purity of the American culture and our way of life, I have proposed a new piece of legislation, which should solve some of the problems we’ve been having:

Washington Law for the Protection of American Values and American Belief,
June 28^th, 2007

Moved by the understanding that purity of American Values is the essential condition for the continued existence of the American people, and inspired by the inflexible determination to ensure the existence of the United States for all time, Congress has unanimously adopted the following Law, which is promulgated herewith:

Article 1.

1) Marriages between Mozlems and subjects of the nation of America or related blood are forbidden. Marriages nevertheless concluded are invalid, even if concluded abroad to circumvent this law.

2) Annulment proceedings can be initiated only by the State Prosecutor.

Article 2.

Extramarital intercourse between Mozlems and subjects of the nation of America or related blood is forbidden.

Article 3.

Mozlems may not employ in their households female subjects of the nation of America or related blood who are under 45 years old.

Article 4.

1) Mozlems are forbidden to fly the American flag or to display American colors. They are, on the other hand, permitted to display the Mozlem colors. The exercise of this right is protected by the State.

Article 5.

(1) Any person who violates the prohibition under §1 will be punished by a prison sentence with hard labor.

(2) A male who violates the prohibition under § 2 will be punished with a prison sentence with or without hard labor.

(3) Any person violating the provisions under § 3 or §4 will be punished with a prison sentence of up to one year and a fine, or with one or the other of these penalties.

Article 6.

1) A Mozlem cannot be a citizen of America. He cannot exercise the right to vote; he cannot hold public office.

2) Mozlem officials will be retired as of December 31, 2007. In the event that such officials served at the front in the war in Iraq either for America or her allies, they shall receive as pension, until they reach the age limit, the full salary last received, on the basis of which their pension would have been computed. They shall not, however, be promoted according to their seniority in rank.

That should keep those uppity Mozlems down for a while. Unfortunately, I’m not sure if such legislation will be sufficient to preserve our traditional American way of life. In addition, I believe all Mozlems should be required to wear special identification at all times so we know exactly who they are and what they’re up to. Something like this should work pretty well:

This stylish and decorative identification should be enough to quell the Mozlem surge, but just to be on the safe side, we should probably just round all of them up and lock them in internment camps for a while. Hey, it worked in World War II. Just look how fun much these dirty Japs are having on their extended vacation:

Ah, camp. Such a good time.

HURRICANE KATRINA

It has been almost two years since Hurricane Katrina ravaged much of the north-central Gulf Coast, wreaking massive destruction in the states of Louisiana, Mississippi, and Alabama. But for some reason, liberals simply can’t let bygones be bygones and insist on yapping on about how terribly the government botched its response to the disaster. C’mon, it’s all water under the bridge- yes, that water just so happened to continue over a series of failed levees to drown an entire city, but I don’t see why we have to keep talking about it. What’s worse is that the criticism leveled against the government and its actions are completely unfounded. Many have stated that President Bush failed miserably in bringing aid and relief to the victims of Hurricane Katrina in a timely manner. But what if his objective was to help no one at all? Would it not then be accurate to state that President Bush succeeded admirably in not bringing aid and relief to the Katrina victims?

I’m sure some of you may be confused at this point, so let me spell it out for you. You see, Ronald Reagan, the greatest President in the history of our nation, once said, “The nine most frightening words in the English language are ‘I’m from the government and I’m here to help’” (In case you’re wondering, the nine least frightening words in the English language are ‘Brownie, you are doing a heck of a job’). Sure, it might seem tremendously cruel and inhumane to deny assistance to suffering human beings, but President Bush was merely teaching the victims good old-fashioned self-reliance. It’s time people learned that they can’t depend on the government to fix their problems. Had the victims of Hurricane Katrina not been under the liberal-induced delusion that some bloated and inefficient agency like FEMA would be there to swoop in and save the day, they would have possessed the conservative wherewithal to pull themselves up by their own bootstraps- assuming their boots had not been swept away in the same feces-infested deluge that decimated their house and the rest of their possessions, of course.

Besides, it’s not like President Bush is responsible for the Hurricane. Liberals act like he concocted this natural disaster in some secret government laboratory and unleashed it upon the populace of the east coast because of his deep-seeded hatred for black people. That is patently ridiculous- everyone knows Hurricane Katrina was a punishment from God for the decadence and depravity of New Orleans. (Hey, we all know how you people get those beads on Mardi Gras!). I mean, that’s one city that could stand to have its mouth rinsed out a few times, you know what I mean?

But the most important thing to remember is that Hurricane Katrina was actually a blessing in disguise. I understand that this may appear counter-intuitive, so this fact is probably best explained in economic terms.

The following diagram represents our economy prior to Hurricane Katrina:

Keep in mind that Aggregate Demand equals the sum of consumption, investment, government spending, and net exports, represented by the equation AD = C + I + G + (x-m).

Now when Hurricane Katrina hit, federal agencies like FEMA were forced to squander millions of dollars on aid and reconstruction to help the so-called “victims” of the disaster, which led to a huge increase in government spending. Adhering to the equation listed above, an increase in government spending (G) leads to an increase in aggregate demand (AD), as shown below:

This increase in aggregate demand in turn requires a shift in potential GDP and price in order to restore economic equilibrium:

As the diagram above shows, the shift in aggregate demand results in an increase in potential GDP, meaning the maximum amount of real GDP that can be produced through available resources is now much greater. In other words, the devastation of Hurricane Katrina actually caused our economy to grow! Far from being a tragic occurrence, this natural disaster created new jobs and more opportunities for companies to increase profits. Sure, it kind of sucked for the people who died and for the displaced survivors who watched as their entire lives were reduced to rubble before their very eyes, but you have to remember that there is so much economic benefit to be derived from human suffering! I know this is difficult, especially for idiotic bleeding-heart liberals, but it helps if you think of human beings as commodities of labor to be exploited and discarded at will. It’s truly a shame that more people do not realize just how wonderful this hurricane was.

I must confess, however, that I believe I have failed in my attempt at heightened political discourse. I guess I just don’t have what it takes. I must defer, therefore, to someone who possesses the intellectual acumen necessary for such a weighty endeavor. Noted scholar Rush Limbaugh succinctly summarized the Katrina debacle when he eloquently uttered the following words on the September 12^th, 2005 edition of his radio talk show program:

“I mean, why didn't these morons leave New Orleans before the hurricane? I'll tell you why: because they wanted to rape and loot! That's just the way some people are! And if they're black--if the rapists and looters are black--it's not George Bush's fault! We've had these problems ever since the Emancipation Proclamation. Once the whites leave town, all you've got is overwhelming lawlessness. That's not racism, Mr. Snerdley; it's a proven, demonstrable fact. Have you even seen a ghetto in Greenwich, Connecticut? I rest my case.”

Wow. Some people go their entire lives without experiencing this kind of brilliance. This is exactly the level of sophistication that I had intended to achieve but failed miserably to properly convey. In Mr. Limbaugh we find that rare individual who transcends the scholastic putrescence that has so thoroughly undermined the quality of our collective dialogue; a man who stands in stark contrast to the endless parade of disingenuous provocateurs that traffic in partisan propaganda and meaningless sound bites; a hero who defies the temptation to allow ad hominem attacks and mindless hyperbole to serve as a substitution for objective inquiry and substantive thought; an icon who eschews the tendency to deliver content that is immediately gratifying but ultimately vacuous- the informational equivalent of a Big Mac. I can only dream to one day achieve the subtlety, nuance, and balance he so deftly demonstrates on a daily basis. So thank you Mr. Limbaugh for elevating our political discourse to the absolute pinnacle of refinement - may the darkness of the world continue to be vanquished by the light of your wisdom.

Oh, and I totally agree with you about those worthless negroes. You know, sometimes I think we should never have set those people free.

Alright, that about does it for this one folks. Stay tuned for my next entry, coming soon in 2012!

Friday, December 16, 2005

Fri, 16 Dec 2005 01:03:51 GMT

EMO.

I wanted to share something that happened to me some time ago. You see, on November 20th, 2004, I attended a Dashboard Confessionals concert with some friends. But I didn't quite feel like myself that night. I felt...sad. I felt...sensitive. To put it succinctly, I felt...EMO. I'm not sure what brought about this profound change, but it might have had something to do with the following:

My cat dying. Not like you care anyways. RIP my beloved Sheila.
My parents not understanding me. But no surprise there. No one understands me.
Taking Back Sunday and My Chemical Romance not coming out with new CD's quickly enough. Gosh!
The fact that I tried to dye my hair black the week before, only to find out that my hair is already that color. Ugh, life can be so unfair.
Finding out that "the poor" are stealing my look by shopping at Salvation Army too.
People who keep stealing my Weezer pins off of my European carry-all. Shutup, it's not a purse you fag. (Not that there's anything wrong with that).
My studded belt that keeps cutting my skin. Not that I care. Pain is the truest release anyways.
Everyone else's music sucking so bad.
All of these feelings I have inside! Such angst!

Yeah, so I may have pinpointed my feelings there. I really was upset about my cat, so that probably explains it. I even wrote a poem about her, which I have chose to share with you. I'm really glad I have this online journal as a release for all my thoughts- it's rather cathartic. Anyways, here it is:

Funeral For A Feline

All I ask is why
why did you have to leave me?
Leave me with all this

pain
         and sorrow
                            and misery.

your Name was Sheila
and you were beautiful.
I loved you so greatly,
So much that words cannot describe
the bond which formed our love.

But now I am Here
                                    // alone //
without you.
Locked in a Prison of my own
despair and melancholy.
A thousand swords of agony
rain down from the sunless sky,
and pierce my Tortured flesh
like a poorly formed simile.

They fall like the tears
    that run from my eyes

       Down

           Down

       Down

No end in sight.

Why did you wound me so?
You were so Perfect-
So furry and fine.
Your whiskers were like strands
of beauty and warmth.
You had no flaws.
Although you could have tried
to use the litter box more often.
Cuz seriously, like wtf?

But now you are in another box.
One from which you shall depart no more.
And I Wish
that the last time I saw you
Could have been a happier time.
But instead I say goodbye to you
The dearest Friend of mine

At a Funeral
For A Feline.

-Septavian Sanskrit-
(that's my poetry pen name)

Wow, that was quite painful for me to write. But I'm glad I did. It really helps. Anyways, back to that night at the concert. (By the way, if you're wondering why I'm posting this so long after the fact, it's because I've been working through my emotions for the last year- so back off.) I found myself looking rather different than usual- wearing tight pants, thick black rimmed glasses, and a hoody that was two sizes to small (like your heart, grinch). But I would like to share some photos with you, as they may help you understand that which is EMO. I have also provided some music for you to listen to- it will help get you in the emo mood. Click the emo button below to play it, and listen as you look at the photos below. Here goes:

And that about wraps it up.

Although I'd like to leave you with one more image- a dedication to the one I love, the one who made this all possible:

Thank you for all the memories my love.

We will never forget you.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Tue, 22 Nov 2005 00:50:43 GMT

BOX OFFICE BLUES

So this past Thursday, I went to see the new Harry Potter movie at midnight. What can I say, I like to live dangerously. Anyways, it was pretty crazy- there were hordes of people there, all decked out in their Harry Potter costumes and whatnot, and people in the auditorium were cheering for the movie and shouting OH-IO (I guess that school spirit mantra applies in all social situations. I’m pretty sure I heard someone shout it at a funeral the other day.) I really wanted to yell “VOLDEMORT AND MICHIGAN RULE!” but I decided that I wanted to live long enough to see the film. So I have to say, I really enjoyed the movie- I won’t go into details for those of you haven’t seen it as I don’t want to spoil anything (Hermione dies and Harry and Ron have a homoerotic tryst in the prefect bathroom), but it’s safe to say that it was a quality film despite the cuts they made for expediency.

But seeing the movie also made me realize something: this was the first movie in a long time that I was genuinely excited to see. In the last few weeks, I’ve seen Elizabethtown, The Weatherman, about 45 min. of Legend of Zorro, and Doom. And do you know what all these movies have in common? They’re not very good. In fact, they pretty much sucked. Maybe it’s just me, but it seems that there have been a lot of crappy movies coming out lately. In fact, I would say that 2005 has been one the worst years for movies in quite some time. Ticket sales are down several billion dollars as compared to last year, with a long slump this summer that was one of the worst in the past twenty years. The explanation, according to the analysts? The movies are bad. I have to agree. In my opinion, the only really good movies released all year were: House of Wax, The Amityville Horror, The Pacifier, Hide and Seek, Monster-in-Law, The Dukes of Hazzard, XXX: State of the Union, Stealth, Rebound, Elektra, White Noise, Alone in the Dark, Son of Mask, Boogeyman, Man of the House, The Perfect Man, The Man, Underclassman, Undiscovered, Supercross, and Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo. The rest were mediocre at best.

See what I don’t understand is instead of releasing brilliant and awe-inspiring films like Transporter 2, Hollywood comes out with junk. Case in point: the movie “Waiting…”. I never even saw the movie, but I’m pretty sure it sucked. First of all, any movie that contains unnecessary punctuation in its title is going to be crap. They could have just called it “Waiting,” but they decided to tack on an ellipsis as if to suggest a forthcoming conclusion to the thought, as in “Waiting…for the writer to develop a cohesive story that revolves around more than Ryan Reynold’s smug grin”. Numero Dos- Ryan Reynolds is pretty bad in the film. Like I said, I haven’t actually watched the movie, but it doesn’t really matter since he plays the EXACT SAME CHARACTER IN EVERY MOVIE. As the Academic Junior would say, “What the Frick?”. Waiting undoubtedly features more of the cocky, smart alec persona that Reynolds has been phoning in since his days on Two Guys and a Girl. No good Ryan. And to top it off, Waiting has Andy Milonakis in it, which automatically makes it the worst movie ever made. Seriously, who gave this guy his own show? It’s so painful. I used to think it was nice that MTV gave this 12-year-old kid his own show, until I realized that he is actually 29 years old! Yes, you read that right- twenty-nine years old. I was seriously considering delaying this post until January, just so you could appreciate the full of effect of me saying that Andy Milonakis is in his THIRTIES. Shocking and awful. So to sum it up: Waiting sucks, and if you like it I automatically rescind our friendship.

Luckily for us, however, Hollywood has come up with a solution to this problem. In order to resuscitate a nearly brain-dead box office, the studios have decided to fall back on what they do best: sequels. So here’s a sneak preview of the crop of movie titles that will be hitting the theaters in 2006…

First up is the sequel to the 1999 cult classic, The Boondock Saints. In this long awaited follow up, the saints travel to Ireland and join the IRA to prove once and for all how cool it is to kill people in the name of Catholicism. Seriously, it’s not wrong if you have the words “veritas” and “ǽquitas” tattooed on your hands. I’m not really sure what those words mean, but I think it’s latin for “murder is awesome…especially in slow motion”. The saints’ act of repatriation has further implications, however, as they discover a long lost comrade in the rural areas of the country:

That’s right, Lucky the Leprechaun. For years this tortured soul has sat back and taken crap from hundreds of children who insist on pilfering his magically delicious cereal. I’m not sure if those youngsters know this, but the eighth commandment reads “Thou Shalt Not Steal”. They’re always after his lucky charms…and now they’re going to die. Their bodies are about to be fortified with the one and only essential mineral: lead. You get the idea. Lucky is officially accepted into the brotherhood of the saints, and together the trio search the countryside to exact vengeance upon all the sinners of the land. And remember, the boondock saints are not serial murderers. They’re cereal murderers. Hahah, get it? Sigh.

Kevin G is back in his very own spin-off, which continues the story of last year’s hit teenage comedy, Mean Girls. The new film finds Kevin in a tense situation- the national Mathlete competition is fast approaching and Kevin must do his best to prepare his team and lead them to victory, all while balancing his responsibilities as a Rapper/Badass M.C. This feat is made more difficult however when Cady, in an attempt to reconnect with her ethnic roots, begins to practice a traditional African ritual called starvation. Can Kevin get Cady enough Caltene bars to rescue her from the brink of anorexia so she can dominate the Mathlete finals? Is Kevin going to give up his mathematic endeavors to pursue a full time music career? Will Kevin change his stance on dating only women of color? Will this movie be populated with additional SNL alumni that left to show to start failed movie careers? You must see it to find out!

The next movie in the Armageddon series, this film features the return of one cinema’s most infamous villains: that big…asteroid…thing. 60 years have passed since the events of the first film, and the two asteroid pieces have reconnected due to gravitational pull and are on their second pass towards Earth. Unfortunately, most of the crew from the first film are too elderly to take part in a second space mission, so NASA, in a brilliant maneuver, decides to destroy the asteroid by reflecting a high-powered laser beam off Ben Affleck’s excruciatingly white teeth (Hey, I noticed it before they showed it on VH1. Jerks.). This plan, due to it’s simple nature, only takes about a half an hour to execute, so the rest of the movie is just clips of stuff blowing up from Michael Bay’s other works. Except Pearl Harbor. That one kind of sucked. Add in the other elements of the Michael Bay formula- a random strip club scene, Steve Buscemi acting insane, and some oddly placed homophobic dialogue, and you are left with a fantastic action blockbuster sequel. It’ll be at least three times better than Deep Impact, I swear.

So this is the sequel to the surprisingly successful and incredibly overrated independent film by Jared and Jerusha Hess. It doesn’t really matter what happens since you’ll all quote it ad nauseam anyways. Honestly, what’s the deal? I’m pretty sure quoting the first movie was about a million times funnier than actually watching it. Oh wait- no it wasn’t. I really think the entire movie could have consisted of a thirty-second loop of Napoleon saying “Gosh! Sweet! Idiot!” over and over again and nobody would really be able to tell the difference. And I can’t wait to see the “Re-elect Pedro” shirts circulating when the next film comes out. Man, some people are so clever. So remember, Napoleon Dynamite 2- it’s the best thing to come out of Idaho since…um, Napoleon Dynamite 1.

In 1998, a freakishly lucrative film was made about a boat that sinks. It was called Titanic and for a brief moment in time, it captivated a nation…of lovesick 12-year-old girls. Given its status as the most profitable domestic film of all time, the production of a sequel is a no-brainer. So once again, cinematic auteur James Cameron steps into the director’s chair (and writer’s, producer’s and editor’s chairs *cough control freak cough*) to bring us Titanic II. This time around, the world is still reeling from the tragic loss of the Unsinkable Ship on that cold April night. However, albeit contrary to common sense, the folks at Harland and Wolff shipyard decide to build an even bigger boat to see how many passengers they can kill this time (Hollywood logic isn’t always perfect, but hey, at least it’s not dinosaurs rampaging through Los Angeles). The tension rises, however, as during the maiden voyage of the RMS Titanic II, the boat is engulfed in a massive storm. With killer sharks. And then terrorists place a bomb onboard, so if the ship drops below 100 knots…it explodes. Oh and did I mention that the iceberg is back? It is. And this time, it has nukes. Enough said.

But the real shocker of the story is the return of Jack Dawson. Yes, Leo is back. You see, you never actually see him die in the first film. You assume that because he was all frozen looking that he was a goner, but in reality, he was just playing it smart. He realized, a little late unfortunately, that Rose was one of those high maintenance rich girls, and he wisely dodged that relationship. After thawing out and swimming his way back to shore, Jack is quickly adopted by a stay-at-home psychologist father and his journalist wife. His life soon gives way to a torrent of adventure, however, as he is stricken with autism and climbs a nearby water tower, develops a heroin addiction while on his high school basketball team, falls in love with an unusually well-versed girl from a rival family, seeks revenge against the rival gang leader who killed his father, and lives the life of a young con artist all before dedicating his life to becoming a movie producer/aviation pioneer/OCD victim. Yeah, who has the fullest life now Rose? What did you do with your life- ride some horses and toss a $250,000,000 diamond into the ocean? I thought so.

Just this month, Curtis Jackson made his cinematic debut in the semi-autobiographical film Get Rich or Die Tryin. I quote Faraz when I say “I wouldn’t even see that movie in the fifty cent theater!” Hah. But I have to confess, this isn’t really a sequel so much as it is an excuse for me to talk about how much 50 cent annoys me. First of all, I love how anytime someone says “Fiddy Cent” people nearly die of hysteria. It’s not that funny. You know the world is in a sad state of affairs when the absolute zenith of humor consists of white people sayings the words “Foshizzle My Nizzle”. See it’s funny because it’s the not at all the type of language that one associates with the Caucasian lexicon. I believe that’s called irony. Secondly, I pretty much hate all of 50 cent’s songs. Listening to the lyrics of “Candy Shop” makes me hope they reinstate slavery. I mean, I’ve heard my fair share of prurient music, but this song really takes cake. It’s almost as if they’re using candy themed terminology as a euphemism for lewd sexual acts. Hmm. And while the suggestion of complete bondage may be a bit harsh, I think I could settle for concentration camps. They could fill them with chairs and chalkboards and teach occupants how to speak properly. Maybe they could call them schools. See at this point the average person would include some sort of lame disclaimer arguing how they’re not really racist and that they’re just writing this as a form of satire. While I understand that people often make sweeping character assessments based upon the content of one’s online journal, I’m not going to acquiesce to such pressure and will instead offer a poignant “screw you” and add a superfluous “I don’t like them Negroes”. Besides, being racist doesn’t make you a bad person. Murder makes you a bad person, and to that end 50 cent should be charged with the first-degree premeditated slaughter of the English language. Word.

Yes, it’s true. The goriest film of all time is getting a big budget remake. The best thing about watching the original movie is that it makes you appreciate Peter Jackson’s contemporary films that much more. It’s really beyond me how anyone can go from a movie that includes a “rat monkey” as a major plot device to winning an Academy Award, but it’s true nonetheless. Anywho, the new Dead Alive should be quite interesting. As with every other recent Peter Jackson film, this movie will clock in at just over three and a half hours in length. The lawnmower scene alone is over an hour long! Think about that for a second. My own expectation is that this movie will be received much like the upcoming King Kong: people will be overjoyed at the arrival of the film until they realize, much to their chagrin, that the movie is in fact *not* Lord of the Rings. Oh well there’s always a chance that The Hobbit will make its way to the big screen. Never…lose…hope…

The sequel to last summer’s whimsical remake, this movie stars the recently acquitted Michael Jackson as the proprietor of a magical chocolate factory. In the film, he holds a contest in which five golden tickets are placed in chocolate bars around the world. Those who find the ticket win a tour of the magical factory. The ticket reads as follows:

Dear Winner,

Congratulations! You have won a fantastic tour of my wonderfully delicious magical factory! Hee-hee-hee! The factory is a wonderful place where all your dreams can come true. Due to a rather severe Peter-Pan complex, I have created my factory as a special place imbued with a youthful spirit. Only those who are young of heart and physiological development can enter my factory. Unfortunately, that means your parent or guardian cannot come with you. You see, adults exude a cold and cynical aura which will disrupt the ambience of my factory. And they’re so boring anyways! Those mean, mean adults are always trying to make rules about everything- rules about how much candy you can eat, rules about when you have to go to sleep, and rules dictating what is considered appropriate contact between adults and children. That’s no fun at all! There are no rules inside my factory. It is a place of joy and happiness. So I hope to see you all soon at my wonderful tour! See you later alligator! Hee-Hee!

P.S. – Contrary to popular belief, I don’t have a dentist for a father. That was a lame storyline that Hollywood inserted into the movie instead of staying faithful to the novel. See how adults mess everything up?

Sincerely,

Willy Wonka.

That’s right. The penguins are about to march…again. This time, there isn’t even a movie. In fact, there’s nothing on the screen at all besides a picture of a baby penguin. (Because they’re freaking adorable, that’s why!) Instead, the entire story is told audibly via the badass voice of Morgan Freemen. Is it just me, or does Morgan Freemen narrate like every movie nowadays? Well he should. He’s pretty much the coolest. Remember how sweet he was in Outbreak? I bet he could have beat that African Motabi virus single-handedly. In fact, Morgan Freemen is so awesome that the makers of Bruce Almighty (And the upcoming Evan Almighty. Gag.) enlisted him to play the role of The Divine. That's going a little too far in my opinion, but it does say something. And every movie that Morgan Freemen has been in has pretty much been amazing. Well except Deep Impact I guess. Hahah, I’m so mean to that movie.

…Yeah. Okay, so I’ve noticed this new trend. These guys are ALWAYS starring in each other’s movies. And it’s not just an isolated incident here or there- it’s like all the time. What’s going on? And they’re all pretty much the same movie too. I really can’t tell the difference between any of them. It’s always Ben Stiller acting eccentric, Owen Wilson acting quirky, Luke Wilson being soft-spoken, Vince Vaughn talking really fast, and Will Ferrell going crazy. I mean, it’s like some sort of modern rat pack has emerged…except one of them isn’t a member of the church of satan. Hahah. (See that was one of those elitist references that sort of slip under the radar. Kind of like that episode of Family Guy where Peter is like “That’s what they said about Benjamin Disraeli”. And then it cuts to him and he’s like “You don’t even know who I am”. He was the first Jewish prime minister of Britain, in case you were wondering). So anyways, the point is that these guys have co-starred with each other an insane amount of times. I’ve created this little diagram to better illustrate my point:

Hmm…on second thought I’m not so sure about that whole satanist thing. But as you can see, it’s pretty complex. Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson have the most connections, as they’ve starred in an astounding nine different movies together. Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, Vince Vaughn, and Will Ferrell have all starred in Starsky and Hutch and Zoolander. Ben Stiller, Luke Wilson, Vince Vaughn, and Will Ferrell have all starred in Anchorman. But oddly enough, there has never been a movie that has featured all five of the guys. Until now, that is. It’s the perfect film for the 18-to-24-year-old-white-male demographic...Funny Movie: Our focus group says you’re gonna like it.

Ah yes, we come to it at last. Batman Begins furthers its fresh take on the franchise with its second installment- Batman Continues. In this sequel, the story revolves around a plotting supervillian, dubbed Dr. Scientologus, played by superstar Tom Cruise. The aging doctor is in need of an heir to continue his devious work against Gotham City, so he searches for a suitable vessel to deliver his progeny. Seeking to kill two birds in one stone, he kidnaps Rachel Dawes, girlfriend of Bruce Wayne, thus simultaneously acquiring a mother for his child and securing a bait to lure Batman to his lair (where he will obviously meet his demise!). Rachel Dawes is once again played by Katie Holmes, while the role of Batman is now played by newcomer James Van Der Beek. Batman must rescue his girlfriend from the clutches of the crazy doctor, or else she may be lost forever. Will Batman be reunited with the girl he truly belongs with? (Unless you were one of those Joey/Pacey fans, in which case, shame on you). There’s only one way to find out. Batman Continues…coming soon.

That pretty much wraps it up folks.

Oh, and I know the last one was kind of a double-dip…but I just couldn’t resist.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Thu, 08 Sep 2005 21:55:30 GMT

Tom Cruise?

Okay, so I've been getting a lot of comments lately that say I look like Tom Cruise. Yes, that's right- TOM CRUISE. As in Thomas Cruise Mapother IV, born on July 3rd, 1962 in Syracuse, New York, star of such great cinematic classics as The Outsiders and Taps. Commas, are good, for sentences. He's such a good actor that Tom Cruise. Well I have to admit, Tom Cruise and I are pretty similar- we both fit easily into overhead storage compartments, but more importantly we both recognize that psychiatry is a pseudoscience designed to mask and suppress illnesses with mind-altering psychotic drugs which neither treat nor cure the symptoms but rather transform the patient into a legal drug addict, forcing them to become financial slaves to the Big Drug Companies. Don't you people realize that all diseases can be cured with excercize and vitamins? Haven't you read Dianetics by L. Ron Hubbard??? Post-Partum Depression isn't real- it's an imaginary affliction dreamed up by the Big Drug Companies in order to steal your money and ruin your life. Ritalin is really Speed in the trappings of a safe drug. If you take it, you will not get better. You will get AIDS! And Die!!!

...Ahem, sorry about that. Er, what was I saying again? Oh yes, that's right...I remember now. So like I was saying, the question is, do I really look like Tom Cruise? Let's show a picture for comparison, shall we:

Quite compelling...indeed.

Look at how cool Tom Cruise looks in that picture. I wish I could be as cool as him. He's so Amazing. So Talented. So Funny. And Smart. And right about Everything.

Hmm...I kind of lost my train of thought. I was going to say something. What was it? Uh, hold on, it'll come to me...

Okay. Alright. Fine. I need to do this. It's time- I have a confession to make. Something has happened to me. I, I can't quite explain it. Like that rant up there...I don't know why, but sometimes it just happens. I can't control it. Something has changed inside me. I don't really know how it happened to me, but it all started when I was sitting on the couch the other day. I was contemplating this similarities between Mr. Cruise and myself. Thoughts like these kept running through me head:

And so like I said, I was just sitting there. On the couch. Thinking:

And that's when it happened. I have no idea how...or why. But it happened. Those thoughts...Tom Cruise and Me...Me and Tom Cruise. Something changed. It's as if somehow our two consciousnesses merged to created a single unified sentience- two minds in the body of one. I really don't remember anything after that...I must have blacked out...the only memory I have of the events that followed are these pictures that I later found in my digital camera. I cannot attempt to explain the images you are about to see. They are beyond explanation. The only thought I can offer, in adapting the words of J. Robert Oppenheimer upon the passing of the world's first atomic bomb blast, is..."I Am Become Cruise."

See for yourself:

Word.

Is Tom Cruise a part of my nightmare or am I a part of his? If he can affect my life, can I affect his? How long does this continue? Where does it end? Questions, unfortunately, are far more common than answers.

Only time can tell.

As for now, Mr. Cruise and I remain irrevocably intertwined...

...So once again, the question for you to answer is: Does Haroon really look like Tom Cruise?

Please tell us. We'd really like to know.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Thu, 04 Aug 2005 00:58:47 GMT

18 Reasons Why Harry Potter Is Harmful To Children.

It has happened. I have finally cracked. After nearly seven years of successfully avoiding the infamous Harry Potter Bandwagon, I have yielded to conformity. Thanks to a lot of peer pressure and convincing from other people (mostly Jocelyn, hahah), I have decided to read one of these Harry Potter books. While the completion of the first novel has cleared up many of my misconceptions about the series, one pre-existing opinion about the books has been irrevocably affirmed: Harry Potter is evil and dangerous to children. Now, everybody knows that Harry Potter is devilish secular literature filled with satanic witchcraft and pagan sorcery…that’s a given. But the books also feature a myriad of other elements which are clearly harmful to children and may have potentially adverse effects on their development. These books show a callous disregard for morality and prudent behavior in general and should really be banned from every country in the world. Don’t believe me? Well I’ve compiled a list citing all of the dangerous things I found in the first Harry Potter book alone! (The page numbers are from the paperback version of Sorcerer’s Stone in case you wanted to follow along).

Let’s get it started, as the Black Eyed Peas would say…

#1: “There was a crash behind them and Uncle Vernon came skidding into the room. He was holding a rifle in his hands – now they knew what had been in the long, thin package he had brought with them” (46).

This passage promotes the violent use of firearms in combat situations. Uncle Vernon sure isn’t hunting deer or target practicing- he is armed and ready to kill. What kind of message does this send to children about how to resolve their conflicts? Tragic.

#2: “A giant of a man was standing in the doorway. His face was almost hidden by a long, shaggy mane of hair and a wild, tangled beard, but you could make out his eyes, glinting like black beetles under all the hair” (46).

This passage presents a negative stereotype of men with facial hair. In this age of rampant racial and ethnic profiling, it is decidedly inappropriate to describe a man in this fashion. Pejorative terms such as “shaggy” and “wild” should be replaced with more positive words such as “rugged” and “free-spirited,” respectively. This passage teaches children to fear men with beards under the assumption that they are scary and/or Arab. Also, the words “make out” are highly suggestive to the young mind.

#3: “I won’t let you do it,’ he said, hurrying to stand in front of the portrait hole. ‘I’ll - I’ll fight you!” (272).

The last three words of this passage provide a perfect example of what is wrong with this novel. “I’ll fight you”? What kind of solution is that for a conflict? How are children supposed to learn to settle their differences when this Harry Potter literature is advocating such violent behavior? So sad.

#4: “Neville, his face tear-streaked, clutching his wrist, hobbled off with Madam Hooch, who had her arm around him” (147).

Madam HOOCH? What kind of name is that for a figure of authority?! You might as well call her “Madam Sluttywhore” or “Madam Harlot”! Yeah, I’m sure she is a Madam- of prostitutes! And I don’t know the details of the Hogwarts Code of Conduct, but I’m relatively certain her physical contact constitutes as sexual harassment. And let’s not forget that the denotation of hooch is “alcoholic liquor” or “marijuana”. Simply disgraceful.

#5: “Hurry up, boy!’ shouted Uncle Vernon from the kitchen. ‘What are you doing, checking for letter bombs?’ He chuckled at his own joke” (34).

Explosive devices sent through the mail service are hardly a subject to joke about, let alone mention, in a book written for children. It is absolutely appalling that the author would invoke the tragedy of letter bombing for a cheap stab at humor. Well, J. K. Rowling, I have news for you- nobody is laughing…well, except maybe for this guy:

Crazy Unabomber.

#6: “And finally, I must tell you that this year, the third-floor corridor on the right-hand side is out of bounds to everyone who does not wish to die a very painful death” (127).

Threatening children with death is definitely not an appropriate method for teachers to maintain the rules and regulations of their school. It is not productive in the least and may be damaging to a child’s self-esteem. Violence breeds violence- and that’s an adage that every educational disciplinarian should keep in mind if they value the health of their children.

#7: “Draco Malfoy and his friends Crabbe and Goyle sniggered behind their hands” (136).

Hmm…sniggered…interesting choice of words. Remind you of any other words? Anything like…oh, I don’t know- a RACIAL SLUR of some kind? This kind of racial hatred is totally unacceptable in a children’s novel. I guess adding an “S” to the beginning of a word makes it okay. Well in that case, I hope Draco and his buds “scoon” behind their hands for years to come.

#8: “Harry pulled a wizard cracker with Fred and it didn’t just bang, it went off with a blast like a cannon and engulfed them all in a cloud of blue smoke, while from the inside exploded a rear admiral’s hat and several live, white mice” (203).

Firecrackers are illegal to purchase and use in many states and should not be targeted towards children at any time. This passage also advocates cruelty towards animals, as the mice are located in close proximity to explosive charges.

#9: “The ancient study of alchemy is concerned with making the Sorcerer’s Stone, a legendary substance with astonishing powers. The stone will transform any metal into pure gold. It also produces the Elixir of Life, which will make the drinker immortal” (220).

Elixir of Life? I believe you were looking for The Holy Grail you blasphemous deviants! It is also misleading to children to portray the study of alchemy as a real science. Rumpelstiltskin, it seems, was wrong.

#10: “Won it,’ said Hagrid. ‘Las’ night. I was down in the village havin’ a few drinks an’ got into a game o’ cards with a stranger. Think he was quite glad ter get rid of it, ter be honest” (233).

This passage promotes gambling and teaches children that they can win fun things like pet dragons through games of chance. The flagrant use of contractions is also quite concerning.

#11: “He kept threatening to tell her what really bit me – I’ve told her it was a dog, but I don’t think she believes me – I shouldn’t have hit him at the Quidditch match, that’s why he’s doing this” (238).

It’s distressing to see children lying to teachers in order to solve their problems. A child who doesn’t feel comfortable communicating to adults when in trouble is likely to have further troubles. And children blackmailing other students? Terrible.

#12: “He found what he was looking for in his inside pocket. It seemed to be a silver cigarette lighter. He flicked it open, held it up in the air, and clicked it” (9).

Here the book encourages cigarette use among children. Dumbledore, the character being described in the above quotation, is the headmaster of Hogwarts and is a figure that the entire student body looks up to. As the standing patriarch of the novel, his influence to children is staggering. His use of tobacco products is therefore deeply troubling- just look at this advertisement for the Harry Potter series:

You’ve disappointed us Dumbledore.

#13: “The cloaked figure reached the unicorn, lowered its head over the wound in the animal’s side, and began to drink its blood” (256).

This passage supports the consumption of animal blood, a practice which is both harmful to one’s health and just plain icky! It is also disrespectful to unicorns, which are a very endangered species on the brink of extinction. If children start killing unicorns in order to feast on their blood, there will soon come a day when there are no more of these magical animals left.

#14: “Hagrid told that stranger how to get past Fluffy, and it was either Snape or Voldemort under that cloak – it must’ve been easy, once he’d got Hagrid drunk” (266).

Sigh. Tobacco and Gambling weren’t enough Ms. Rowling? Now you are instructing the youth of the world to get drunk? Inducing intoxication for the means of extracting information is not something that should be taken lightly, as it can often result in the catastrophic destruction of our entire planet.

#15: “I’m never going over to the Dark Side! I’m going through that trapdoor tonight and nothing you two say is going to stop me! Voldemort killed my parents, remember?”

Copyright infringement is a serious crime and is punishable by a fine of up to $150,000 per act. J.K Rowling should stop stealing her stories from other movies before she has a lawsuit filed against her. I can’t wait to read the second book, where Harry Potter finds out that Obi-Wan Kenobi lied to him and that Voldemort didn’t kill his parents- but actually is his father!

#16: “White always plays first in chess,’ said Ron, peering across the board. ‘Yes…look…’ A white pawn had moved forward two squares. Ron started to direct the black pieces. They moved silently wherever he sent them” (282).

Well our friend Ron is certainly a nice little bigot, isn’t he? Whites usually do everything first Ron…it’s called a racism and it is a bane of our society. Ron is portrayed here as the dominant white subjugator, while the blacks are portrayed as weak and submissive, silent obeying every order Ron gives. After all the progress we have made in the past century, it is truly disgusting to see racial discrimination presented in this manner within a children’s book. Wretched.

#17: “Snape, who already suspected me, went straight to the third floor to head me off – and not only did my troll fail to beat you to death, that three-headed dog didn’t even manage to bite Snape’s leg off properly” (289).

I’m sorry, for a second there I didn’t know if I was reading Harry Potter or the transcript of a Tarantino movie! Is this really the kind of violent and bloody imagery we want our children to be reading? If people want to see people being bludgeoned to death and dismembered, they should just watch the news. But a children’s novel is simply no place for that type of filth.

#18: “Professor Quirrell, in his absurd turban, was talking to a teacher with greasy black hair, a hooked nose, and sallow skin” (126). “Quirrell went pink and started talking about the weather; for another, they had noticed that a funny smell hung around the turban” (134). “Professor Quirrell came sprinting into the hall, his turban askew and terror on his face” (172).

And finally, the coup de grace. These passages are simply detestable in their descriptions of turbans and those who wear them. First turbans are called “absurd” and then it is stated that they have a “funny smell”? Why not just call Quirrell a dirty towel head? And way to use the words turban and terror in the same sentence Ms. Rowling…you might as well just say that everyone who wears a turban is a terrorist. Just look at how Quirrell was portrayed in the movie version of Harry Potter:

Simply unforgivable.

Well I think that about wraps it up for our little discussion of Harry Potter. It’s safe to say that these books are the progeny of satan and should not be read by anyone, child or adult. We can only hope that the current generation of children who are absorbed in this Harry Potter business can be saved in time. Only time will tell, but this is a danger that should not go unnoticed. Let this excerpt from the book serve as a warning to us all:

“He’ll be famous – a legend – I wouldn’t be surprised if today was known as Harry Potter day in the future – there will be books written about Harry – every child in our world will know his name!”

-J.K Rowling, author and self-aggrandizing devil-woman.

Leave one.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Thu, 21 Jul 2005 00:18:17 GMT

Ode To Bob Jones University.

*If you are in high school and are researching potential colleges, you should read this! And even if you aren't...read it anyways. Jerk.

Okay, so I imagine that many of you who are not yet in college are anxious to get there. It is, afterall, the best four years of your life...or so they say. Finding the right college is often a long and stressful process, and it is a decision which requires a great deal of thought. In order to make the experience a little less time consuming, I thought I'd take a moment to examine one particular college in this entry. By the end of it, you will probably know if it is or isn't the right place for you. That college is...Bob Jones University.

So for those of you who are unfamiliar with the college, Bob Jones University was established in 1927 by this man...Bob Jones Sr:

Seen here in full smiting action, evangelist Bob Jones sought to create a university that was a different from most other colleges. He succeeded. The fruits of his labor are now currently harvested in the great city of Greenville, South Carolina- the location of...Bob Jones University.

Fast Facts About BJU

- BJU has a campus occupying 225 acres and features a 7,000 seat amphitorium, a 2,600 seat auditorium, and a 3,300 seat dining commons.

- The student body contains approximately 5,000 students from every state and 43 foreign countries!

- There are over 125 undergraduate majors...including "Bible", "Bible (Women)", "Bible Evangelism", and "Bible Teaching".

- 2005-2006 tuition for two semesters is just $8,580 while room/board is only $4,860.

Okay, so now that we know a little bit about the college, let's take a closer look, shall we? The essence of Bob Jones University is best demonstrated through a certain section on the school's website: The University Code Of Student Conduct. All the following quotes are taken verbatim from the website and despite what you may think, none of them are made up.

Let's get started...

Residence Hall Life (click here to see the actual page)

"A student must live in one of the University residence halls unless he is living with parents or other close relatives (approved by the Dean of Men's or Dean of Women's office), is 23 years old or older, is married and over the age of 20, or is a graduate student."

It's nice that the close relatives must be approved by the school first. That's a very understandable precaution...Grandma could be a Vicodin-popping streetwalker or something.

"For the sake of accountability, students must "check out" when they leave the campus. Students gradually acquire more freedom in this area as they become upperclassmen."

Seriously...they have to check out. That's pretty intense. I like how "check out" is in quotes too, as if it's some kind of euphamism for something else, hahah. They probably just kill you if you leave.

"Students are required to be in their own rooms and quiet at 11 pm. All lights must be out by midnight."

This reminds me of those overnight trips you used to take in junior high...remember how they used to tape your door shut so they'd know if you snuck out? That was not cool.

"Students are required to keep their rooms clean and neat. Rooms are inspected daily."

Daily? Ouch. They probably find a lot of illegal George Foreman grills. Hahah, George Foreman...he used to be a boxer.

"An email account is provided for each student. Due to the flood of objectionable content coming through outside email services, students may use only this filtered campus email system."

Aww...but what about that displaced African diplomat with the frozen funds who simply needs your bank account number in order to tranfer his money? He needs your help. And don't you want to know how to consolidate your loans?

"All wireless access to the Internet is forbidden since all Internet use must go through the University's filtered access."

That's okay. Wi-Fi is lame. Almost as lame as the term "Wi-Fi".

"Cell phones are permitted. Students will be instructed in cell phone etiquette."

Allowing cell phones??? What kind of liberal institution is this? Hahah, cell phone etiquette...

What Not to Bring

"Posters of movie and music stars and fashion models are not permitted. The subjects of personal photos should exhibit the modesty and appropriate physical contact we expect from our students."

Yup- no posters of movie stars. I wonder if that includes Jim Caviezel...remember him? You know, the guy who played a certain role in one of last years biggest films:

That's right- Bobby Jones: Stroke of Genius! Why, what movie were you thinking of?

"Music must be compatible with the University's music standards: New Age, jazz, rock, and country music is not permitted."

All of those music genres are forbidden? Gosh, I guess that just leaves Death Metal and Gangsta Rap.

"Contemporary Christian music is not permitted (e.g., Michael W. Smith, Stephen Curtis Chapman, WOW Worship, and so forth)."

Are you serious??? You can't listen to Contemporary Christian music? I had to check this like three times to make sure I wasn't reading it wrong. So to recap, there is no officially no music that is compatible with BJU's standards.

"Televisions and DVD/videocassette players are not permitted in the residence halls; computer DVD players may not be used to view movies."

I guess that means computer DVD players can only be used to watch seasons of Oz and Sex and the City.

"You may not possess or play computer and video games rated T, M, or A or having elements of blood and gore, sensual or demonic themes, or featuring suggestive dress, bad language, or rock music."

So I don't understand...is Grand Theft Auto allowed or not?

"Due to space considerations, appliances such as mini-refrigerators and microwaves are not permitted in residence hall rooms. A refrigerator for medical-related needs and microwaves are provided in each residence hall."

No fridge? How are people supposed to enjoy fruit cups?? I for one, love my fruit cups. And they ain't NEVER gettin my George Foreman Grill!!!

"Residence hall students may not watch videos above a G rating when visiting homes in town and may not attend movie theaters."

According to a Harvard Study, the average G-rated movie, which is 81 minutes long, contains 9.5 minutes of violence, 11.8% of the average film's length. In the 74 G-rated movies released as of 2000, there are 125 violent injuries, 62 of which result in death (Remember Bambi?). I'm disappointed in you, Bob Jones University.

"All weapons must be turned in for storage. Trigger locks are required for pistols. Fireworks are not permitted on campus."

Aww...trigger locks? But that takes all the fun out of it...

Dress Code (click here to see the actual page)

Dress Code For Men

"Hair must be cut in a traditional, conservative style–not shaved, spiked, tangled, or shelved. It may not be colored or highlighted."

Hahah, I'd never thought I'd see the words "may not be colored" at a conservative school in the south. And what is "shelved" hair?

"Sideburns should not extend past the middle of the ear. Men are expected to remain clean-shaven."

Sorry Grizzly Adams. But it does make sense that BJU would want men to have short hair and be clean-shaven. I mean, they probably wouldn't want their students looking like this:

That would just be crazy.

"Necklaces, earrings, and bracelets are not permitted."

What about those WWJD bracelets? Those are pretty cool.

"Hats may not be worn indoors except in the gym."

Good idea. Hats are annoying anways.

"Men are not permitted to get tattoos or wear body piercings."

Wow, this rule is terribly ironic when you consider how many people you see with giant crosses tatooed on their arms.

"Abercrombie & Fitch and its subsidiary Hollister have shown an unusual degree of antagonism to the name of Christ and an unusual display of wickedness in their promotions. In protest, we will not allow articles displaying their logos to be worn, carried, or displayed (even if covered or masked in some way)."

Oh man, this one is my favorite. I didn't really understand what they were talking about at first...but then I visited the Hollister website and saw this:

...Yeah. That's pretty wrong- I mean, it should say "The Jews Are My Homeboy!" Hahah, just kidding. But that's Hollister for you. I have to say I was pretty shocked to see it...and to think, Hollister used to be such a classy company. It's truly a shame to see them move in this direction. And all this after Abercrombie was caught maintaining racist hiring practices? So sad.

"Morning Dress– dress shirt (no denim/chambray) with tie, dress or neat casual pants (no jeans, cargo, carpenter, or sloppy pants), dress or leather casual shoes; sweaters should show shirt collar and tie knot (no sweatshirts)."

No sloppy pants!

"Afternoon Dress– collared shirt (no crew necks), neat casual pants, dress or casual shoes (no slides or sandals), socks above the ankle, sweatshirts or sweaters."

Socks above the ankle? That's rough.

"Recreation and Work Dress– jeans, t-shirts, shorts at athletic facilities (not as spectators at sports events), sleeveless athletic shirts (indoor activities only), socks required (including at work)."

Yes! Finally someone who agrees with me that guys shouldn't wear sleeveless shirts outside. Gross.

Dress Code for Women

"Classroom/general dress consists of a dress or top and skirt; however, pants may be worn for some recreational activities. Shorts may never be worn outside the residence halls and fitness center."

Shorts are for skanks.

"Tops must be long enough that the midriff is never exposed. Sleeves are required. (Sleeveless tops and dresses may be worn with a blouse, jacket, or sweater.) Necklines may come no lower than four fingers below the collarbone."

Indeed.

"Hemlines and slits or other openings should never come higher than the bottom of the knee. Denim skirts may be worn for casual dress (not to class or other professional-type events). Loose-fitting pants may be worn between women's residence halls, for athletic events, and to homes in the area. Loose-fitting jeans may be worn between women's residence halls and when participating in activities where the durability of the fabric is important, such as skiing and ice-skating."

Are there a lot of ski slopes in South Carolina?

"All dresses, skirts, pants, and shirts must be loose-fitting, having a minimum of three inches of ease at bust and hips. An informal way to measure ease is to stand up straight and pinch the loose fabric on both sides of the hips or at the bust line. Without stretching the fabric, there should be at least a 3/4-inch fold of fabric on both sides."

I don't really know what these terms mean, but I assume they're pretty conservative...

"Sheer clothing may be worn only when the garment underneath conforms to normal dress regulations."

Sheerly you must be joking. Hahah, that was something Suglio might say.

"Combat boots, hiking boots, or shoes that give this appearance are not permitted."

Hahah, combat boots...

"Hairstyles should be neat, orderly, and feminine. Avoid cutting-edge fads and cuts so short that they take on a masculine look."

I agree...super short hair is grizzle gross, as Andy would say.

"Students are not permitted to get tattoos. Excessive makeup is not permitted. Earrings may be worn only in the lobe of the ear (maximum of two matched sets). All other types of body piercings are prohibited."

TWO sets of earings?? I'm telling you, these people are practically communists. I mean, if you're going to let girls run around with four holes punched in their ears, why bother to have any rules at all?

"Please note the statement concerning Abercrombie & Fitch under Men's General Dress."

Hahaha. It's still just as funny the second time you read it.

Dating and Mixed Groups (click here to see the actual page)

"We want students to have wholesome social opportunities in a setting that provides accountability for biblical requirements of purity. It is with this in mind that we chaperon campus activities where men and women students are present and require a chaperon when students date or interact in a mixed group off campus."

Dating is stupid.

Work

"Students may work in town until 10:25 pm on weekdays and midnight on weekends. Freshmen must have a prayer captain, assistant prayer captain, or upperclassman with them. Sophomores and upperclassmen may work alone."

10:25? I guess 10:30 pm would be pushing the limits.

"Students may not serve alcoholic beverages when waiting tables at restaurants."

Waiting tables is for the proletariat.

"Students may not do house-to-house sales anywhere in the Greenville area. Students offering services to the community must have a retail license or have clearance from the Dean of Students to do door-to-door solicitation for their services."

Sounds good to me.

General Expectations

"Dishonesty, lewdness, sensual behavior, adultery, homosexuality, sexual perversion of any kind, pornography, illegal use of drugs, and drunkenness all are clearly condemned by God's Word and prohibited here."

Wow, they're almost as conservative as I am. But I bet they still eat pork. Lame. I mean, how do you miss Leviticus 11:7? Crazy gentiles and their swine-consuming tendencies...

"Further, we believe that biblical principles preclude gambling, dancing, and the beverage use of alcohol."

A.K.A a normal day in the life of a brown person.

And that pretty much wraps up the student code of conduct at BJU. See, what I like most about Bob Jones University is that if it were a country in the Middle East, we'd invade it and overthrow its government. What? Women aren't allowed to dress like complete sluts?! Talk about a human rights violation! You can't gamble or dance? Better call the marines. I mean, BJU is intense! No gender mixing, no Music, no TVs, no Alcohol, no door to door sales...this place is pretty extremist! The school should really just change their logo to this:

That sums it up pretty nicely. Crazy BJU...

So if you are traveling on the long journey of college searching, I hope this entry helped you decide if a certain college is right for you.

And for the rest of you, thanks for reading anyways. Maybe you're not such a jerk afterall.

LeAvE SuM CoMmEnTz YaLz!

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Tue, 28 Jun 2005 16:31:12 GMT

:: EDIT (07/05/05) ::

My xanga site is now officially the number one hit for the Yahoo search term, "white racist tips for dealing with stupid mexicans"!

And people say I've never accomplished anything. So anyways, I'm having a big party at my house to celebrate this great achievement...but I need to clean up first- afterall, I can't have anyone over my place unless it's SPIC AND SPAN! Yeah, I said it. Jerk.

A True Story.

So I was looking at the traffic to my xanga the other day and I noticed something a little odd, specifically in the form of referrals. You see, the referral is whatever link the person clicked on that brought them to my site. Now most referrals are pretty ordinary- they are usually from the person's own xanga or from a blogring or from someone else's subscriptions. But as I was looking through, I noticed one that was...different. It was- uh, well...see for yourself:

Um...yeah. It appears that someone found my xanga by going to Yahoo and searching for the term "white racist tips for dealing with stupid mexicans". WTF?! Are you joking? Why the hell would you search for that? And you actually went to some random brown kid's xanga for answers? It's so messed up...you're looking for tips from white racist people on how to deal with mexicans that are stupid? I mean, I for one think it's incredibly racist to assume that only white people can tell you how to deal with those dirty mexicans...others races are totally just as capable! Be a little more tolerant, gosh. And you're searching for tips at 2:41 in the morning, no less? Must be an emergency. Seriously though, I really wish I were making this up...but it's true. I wanted to find out a little more information about this curious searcher, so I traced his steps...

So first this guy goes to http://www.yahoo.com and actually types in "white racist tips for dealing with stupid mexicans," as shown above. Again...wtf. In any case, our mystery searcher then presses the search button...

...So now he arrives at the results. Apparently not satisfied with the first 10 hits, Mr. Mystery Searcher decides to check out numbers 11-20. Man, look at 18 and 19. Oakland Athletics Coalition...bunch of racists. And #19 sure is a potty mouth. Hahah, at first I thought it said "by Matthew Damon" but then I realized it was the other way around. It's too bad though, because "Good Will Hunting White Wannabe F***ers" sounds like another oscar winner to me. But more importantly, check out #20. Ah yes...the xanga of your faithful narrator. I was surprised to see it appear, but I guess it makes sense because I actually have every word in his search except "for" and "mexicans"! And the last part seriously looks like what he's after...although I guess the term "pesky darkies" is open to interpretation. So the guy clicks on the link to my xanga and is immediately blinded by the sheer awesomeness that is my site...either that or the sheer horror of a brown man in a pink polo. At this point, El Searcher Misterioso either becomes deathly afraid and turns back or, assuming he is a person of extreme courage, reads enough of my xanga to find out that I was not actually talking about stupid mexicans, but in fact- stupid brown people. Regardless, the searcher cries a little inside, knowing his thirst for racist knowledge has not been quenched.

My own search so far was fruitful, but not entirely fulfilling. Just who was this mystery man? (Or woman? Let's just say man for the sake pronoun convenience). I had to know more...so I decided to check the visitor's IP address:

Bingo. The guy's IP address was identified as 67.188.197.144. Excellent. A quick search over at arin.net revealed some interesting info:

So it turns out our friend's service provider Comcast and he's running the old Cable setup. Perhaps more interesting is the address, which is a location in Mount Laurel, NJ. Ah, yes...New Jersey. It's kind of like America's landfill. And it happens to be the home of our inquisitive guest.

So here is the location of the Comcast building, which is the provider of our cherished friend. Unfortunately, you can't procure any more information about a specific individual and their whereabouts without contacting the service provider directly. This is what the police/RIAA do when they want to ruin your life for downloading music. The provider is legally obligated to devulge a person's contact info if a crime has been committed, but in this case the only thing you could possibly accuse someone with is a hate crime. They're real crimes, I swear. So there is little else I can possibly know about my new buddy. Oh, Sitemeter says he uses XP and Internet Explorer 6.0 (Boo, Firefox p0wnz j000z!!!). But there is one thing I do know...

Our mystery searcher probably lives in this general area. And there is likely more aerial satellite photography of his home. (Big Brother is watching...so ungood). Ironically, the city of Mount Laurel is located in Burlington county, whose population is 78.4% white and only 4.2% Hispanic, compared to 72.6% and 13.3% respectively for the state as a whole. I guess the tiny group of mexicans that live in this area are especially concentrated with stupidity and are probably poor. Wait, the median household income is $58,000 and less than 5% live below the poverty. So now the mexicans are offically ~~poor~~ and stupid. Duly corrected. Perhaps the slogan for the county should be "Burlington: We're more than just Stupid Mexicans".

The hunt for the searcher appears to be over. But somehow, I can't help but feel that I've let my poor friend down. Here he traveled all the way from New Jersey to Ohio on the Intenet superhighway, expecting to find answers to his dire question on mine own xanga. But answers, he did not find. Did he ever find them? I don't know. I do know one thing, however- if he visits my xanga ever again, he shall not be disappointed. He shall find his answers! So now, just for our friend from the Garden State, I humbly offer...

WHITE RACIST TIPS FOR DEALING WITH STUPID MEXICANS

Plan A: Find A Taco Bell And Dig A Spikey Pit Covered With Camouflaged Leaves In Front Of The Entrance.

Bueno. We all know the Mexis love the Taco Bell, so just wait for them to flock to the restaurant for a Chalupa or two, and BAM- you got 'em. Once they're impaled on a sharp spike, you are free to do whatever you wish with them. You can feed them to alligators or display them on your mantle, or to be even more efficient, you can grind them down and use them for Taco meat. Just like what they did with that little chiguagua from the commercials! And better yet, because the Mexicans are obviously so stupid, they will fall for this trick again and again. Just replace the leaves and you're good to go.

Plan B: Put Up "Whites Only" Signs.

Let them know who's boss by putting up signs like this one, which was featured outside of a San Antonio restaurant in 1949. It's over fifty-five years old and still going strong! Don't mind the strange looks people give you when you're putting up these signs- they're just jealous and envy your ingenuity. And feel free to customize your signs however you want. For example, you might write "Whites and Non-Stupid Mexicans Only" or "Abercrombie & Fitch: Just Whitey". Don't feel shy and indulge your creativity! Make it a fun afternoon with the kids by B-Dazzling some racial slurs onto the side of a posterboard. Remember, no one is too young to appreciate the benefits of a segregated society. Egalitarianism is for loozas!

Plan C: Join The Minutemen.

Ah yes, join this group of great American patriots, who are keeping our country safe from evil-doing Mexican terrorists. Remember, if it crosses the border, you can shoot it. But if two minutemen see someone come across at the same time, you have to rock-paper-scissors for it. And then you have to flip a coin to see who gets to take the body home. And you HAVE to call it in the air! Geez. Anyways, this job comes with a great benefits package. After 10 kills, you get a cool collapsable lawn-chair (available in red, white, and blue). And after 50 kills, they give you a nice leather LazyBoy (made in America!). 100 kills grants you your very own M-16 Carbine and 1000 kills nets you a sweet recreational vehicle like the one the gentlemen above is modeling. It's like Chuckycheese but for the sake of Homeland Security. So if you want to get out of New Jersey and want to kill as many dirty border-jumpers as you can, then a Minuteman is the occupation for you.

Plan D: Capture Them And Send Them All To Work At A Horrible Place For Almost No Money.

I think that pretty much says it all. I like the guy with the sideways baseball cap in the picture too...very classy. So basically, as long as you can train these guys to say the words "You Want Beans?", you should be good. It could be tough though, because once again they are clearly very stupid people. They probably take naps in the afternoon all the time too. I heard that somewhere. But better yet, there are ZERO Chipotles in the state of New Jersey, which means that all the dirty Mexicans will be sent far away from you. Probably to New York with the rest of the undesirable minorities. It's like a win-win situation: fewer Mexicans for you and more soft-shell steak burritos for the rest of us. And none of that Qdoba crap...that shiz is nasty.

Plan E: Pull An Elian.

The ultimate plan. All you have to do is bust into the person's house at night and surprise them by shoving an automatic weapon in their face. The shock alone could probably kill them. Regardless, they'd be so afraid that they'd probably defecar their pantalones! Now you could shoot them at this point, but simply waving the gun around and yelling should be sufficient. The scare will have them running back to Mexico in no time. And besides, this isn't like the Minutemen- you can't just kill unarmed people without any fear of punishment. So my friend, if all else fails...look to our friend Elian Gonzalez. It works everytime.

Thanks Elian. You were truly an American hero.

But now you're just a dirty Cuban Commie.

Well I think that about it does it folks. I hope that in some small way I helped our friend with his urgent plea. If even one person benefits from this entry, then it'll be well worth it. I wonder if my xanga will now be the #1 hit for the term "white racist tips for dealing with stupid mexicans". That'll be an accomplishment.

Have any other tips you'd like to share?

Holla Back Ya'll.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Thu, 16 Jun 2005 19:57:42 GMT

O' Come Let's Sing Ohio's Praise...

So my first year of college is over and I am now back in good ol' Mentor. Much can be said about the freshman year...it is surely a time of change and growth and all that other sentimental crap that people always say. One thing is certain- you meet a whole lot of people your first year of college. Some you like and some you don't, but it'll likely be the most diverse group of people you've ever met in your life. (so many colored people....*shudder*). And while there a ton of cool people to meet, there are also a bunch of people that are annoying as crap! So for all you highschoolers out there, I've compiled a list of people that you'll probably meet in your dorm during your first year of college. The collegiate students among us can testify that these people can be found on every campus and that you should probably avoid them. And with that, I hereby present to you...

-THE FIVE D-BAGS YOU MEET IN COLLEGE-

(Note: These descriptions are simply generalizations and do not refer to any one specific person...so don't worry, it's not about you. Unless I hate you, then it's definitley about you.)

1) The Half-Naked Guy- For whatever reason, this guy is always walking around with his shirt off or in his boxers. And I'm not talking like just in the summer- I mean all year around...every day. This guy usually isn't in shape either, so it's not like he's showing off his sweet pecks- he just doesn't wear clothing on the top half of his body. Ever. Seriously, what's the deal with this? It's not cool. Please put some clothes on. It's like people that sleep in the buff...it's totally NOT normal. You're a freak. And what do you do if there's a fire...gross. Half Naked Guy = Douche-bag.

2) The Easy Rider- This person is way too intelligent to be at your university. They did insanely well in high school and got ridiculously high scores on the SAT/ACT and only came to your college because they got a free ride. The bottom line is that this person coasts through school without really studying or trying hard and laughs while watching all the pathetic "normies" work hard. This person ruins your grades by setting the curve in every class. Clearly, this person is a giant Douche-bag and should transfer to an elitist institution where they belong (I'm not saying "he or she" you tool).

3) The Panicker- I don't think "panicker" is a word, but suffice it to say this person freaks out about everything. They constantly remind you how they are "failing" every class and just "totally bombed" that last test. Of course you tell them that they didn't do that bad, and when they get their grades back they see that you were right and they didn't fail, but they continue panicking about their grades in the future. And when finals time comes around, this person turns into a blubbering mess, raving about how they are about to take the HARDEST TEST OF THEIR LIFE! If they spent as much time studying as they did stressing out, they would probably have nothing to panic about. Not cool.

4) The Burnout- This kid is always playing videogames. Whenever you walk past his room, he will be playing his X-Box or PS2 or will be sitting there on his computer. This isn't the occasional game of Madden or Halo either...this guy is hardcore. Regardless, you never see this kid studying or doing any work. He hasn't really picked a major and has no real prospective career plans. You're not really sure if he even goes to class. In fact, you wonder how this person manages to stay enrolled at the universtiy at all. There's a probably a support group that you could tell this kid about, but you'd rather have him remain as he is in order to feel better about yourself.

5) The Persistant Drunk- This person parties like it's their job. In addition to every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, this person drinks at least three nights a week. You see them drunk more often than you see them sober, and you wonder how they still have a liver that functions. Alcohol is clearly the reason this person went to college, and understandably so- because it would simply be foolish to save $20,000 and just drink at home. To them, education is like a hangover- they would rather go without it, but it's kind of hard to avoid. And despite the wild partying, this person still manages to get better grades than the poor Burnout. Stupid videogames...

6) The Shut-In- Quite the opposite of the drunken partier, this kid never leaves their room. Moreover, the door to their room is always closed and they never answer if you knock. The only time you really see them is when they are walking to and from class or in the bathroom. And if it weren't for the nametag on their door, you probably wouldn't even know this kid's name. This is the type of kid that everyone thought would shoot up their high school. They probably didn't, as they are not in jail, but you never know. When this person is old enough for concealed carry, make sure you're living somewhere else.

7) The Wannabe- This person didn't drink or party in highschool and was instead considered to be a loser or an outcast by their peers. In an attempt to reverse the past reputation, they start drinking when they get to college, hoping that alcohol will be their ticket to finally "fitting in". They can easily be spotted by their Facebook picture, which features them holding a bottle of an alcoholic beverage while smiling assuredly into the camera, proof positive that they are not that dorky kid from highschool who abstained from the bottle. This person should congratulate themselves on their newfound lifestyle by taking a shot...from a gun.

8) The Schmoopy-Schmoopy- If you don't get the Seinfeld reference, I pity your sheltered existence. This one involves couples- specifically those who make you want to vomit. Remember that disgusting couple in high school that was constantly PDA'ing it up in the halls? Well imagine them in college and living in the same building as you. These people are always together and are always all over each other. During the few moments when they are not in the same room giggling and cuddling with each other, they are usually talking to each other online and arguing about who loves whom the mostest ~XoXo~!!! They slowly tear away at your soul until you lose all will to live. If your roommate is a Schmoopy-Schmoopy, buy a gun. Seriously, these people are a double-homicide waiting to happen.

9) The Cynic- This person is a hateful and bitter human being who focuses only on the bad in people. They constantly make fun of others and would go so far as to organize lists of people they dislike. They take out their anxt against society by writing lame satire on their pathetic online journal. Their obsession with people's faults and their misanthropic, 'glass half-empty' attitude prevents them from having any meaningful relationships with anybody, and instead they slowly waste away in a pool of their own negativity. They spend all their time mocking and belittling others and then wonder why they have no friends. Perhaps they should write an entry about that...that'll show 'em. Jerks.

So that about does it. I know I ended up with more than five people but I wanted to maintain the clever Mitch Albom reference. And I don't mean to come off as too spiteful...While this year was really disappointing in general and downright horrible at times, there were a ton of good moments that I'll remember. It reminds me the episode of Everybody Loves Raymond when Robert gets married and Ray is giving the toast. He talks about how you don't have to save all the pictures from the wedding- just the good ones. While that was probably a stupid analogy, I think I do employ that type of selective memory. I try to retain the memories that are good, and let the bad ones slide. Some highlights of this year would have to include:

~ Convocation/Freshman Fair thing/Shrek 2 on the Oval- that whole first week in general...

~ The late night runs to Mirror Lake...oh the Turkey/Provolone subs...yum.

~ Football Games, especially BEATING MICHIGAN! Even though I was like the only person that didn't jump into mirror lake that week. Boo...

~ Seeing Seth MacFarlane/being the first people outside Fox to see this season's first episode of Family Guy...and having Seth record my voicemail message in the voice of Stewie!

~ 16 Player Halo matches/ Smash Bros. tournaments. Even though I really sucked at Halo and we stopped playing after like first quarter.

~ Never using my real name on the slips at Mirror Lake or Marketplace the entire year. I was everything from Habib to Sanjay to Patel to Koumar to Babaganoosh. One time I was Sven Gali (you said Sven Jolly?) and once I was even Chang. Good times.

~ The time I put on Danny's water-proof shirt (Boys size 14-16! haha) and filled the pocket up at the water fountain...and then walked into Jeff's room and splashed the pocket Ace Ventura style, getting water EVERYWHERE.

~ The time we called that 1-800 number on the back of a Pepsi can to see if they could settle our debate about whether Dr. Pepper is made by Pepsi or Coke (They were closed and we never got a final answer...boo).

~ The time we got All Bran all over the study room and then having Danny and Jeff go outside to try to light a box on fire.

~ The trips to Old School even though it wasn't really fun, hahah. But the first trip was the genesis of the Pink Popped Polo and the second time I almost got kicked out for wearing sweatpants, hahah.

~ The movie trips to AMC theater...seeing Shawn of the Dead with the MSA folks that first weekend; other good ones with the Bradley group.

~ Visits from the Mentor friends and our trips to Steak n Shake...plus the ping pong and deep conversations in the lobby of Lincoln...

~ Going to the Dashboard concert for free, even though it's emo (boo) hahah.

~ The time we went to the fancy Blackwell restaurant (no jeans, tennis shoes allowed) and I wore slippers. I can't believe they didn't notice...

~ Having a massive card fight in the study room for like an hour...and you can't forget the nerf battles, hahah.

~ The time Dylan bet I couldn't sneak into his room and hide in his closet...and then a couple weeks later when I totally did. I burst out of the closet and was like "RAHARHEHAH!" and everyone in the room almost soiled themselves.

~ The trips to Viewpoint with the RA and the first floor guys...Garlic Mashed Potatoes...mmmm.

~ The nice, although incredibly infrequent visits from the family...Chipotle, Donatos, and Authentic Indian Cuisine!

~ Becoming an Honors Ambassador and getting to meet some really cool people (some I already knew I guess, hehe) and our dessert reception trip to Beachwood

~ The time I pretended to be a pre-med major with Danny so I could get free food at the Medicine fraternity/honorary/thing meeting.

~ Getting to play Cooper's guitar, even though I never learned how to play an actual song the entire year, hahah.

~ The time I caused Marketplace to institute a temporary "No Special Orders" policy after accidentally taking the wrong order...oops.

~ The time at Champs when the waitress totally brought me the wrong food and I was too passive to actually tell them (See Jocelyn, you're not the only one...) I mean, I got to eat two meals for the price of one, so it worked out.

~ The time when we were all in Cooper's room and started group singing to "A Whole New World" and "Piano Man".

~ The time Danny and I almost did Karoake and then totally didn't.

~ Good movies in the dorms (Not the Wedding Planner, hahah)

~ Trying to discern the difference between Cheesy Bread, Bread Sticks, and Mozzarella Sticks and then going down to meet the delivery guy at the wrong door.

~ Getting to experience "Haf A Rife a Toor" on the uber-powerful computer of Danny's. Also playing that same level of Far Cry for like three months...

~ The time I bought like 90 boxes of cereal with my remaining swipes at the end of Winter Quarter.

~ The time when we took all the useless osu stickynotes and pasted them all over the hall to spell out an interesting message...haha.

~ The time when I was watching Resevoir Dogs in Dylan's room and some crazy drunk people climbed on the roof and started talking to me through the window...hahah.

~ The time when Danny and I sneaked into the dorms above Marketplace and he pretended to be a tour guide while I pretended to be a prospective student in order to see the rooms. Afterwards, we realized that the building we had gone into was in fact, not Worthington.

~ Seeing Tracy Morgan, Colin Quinn, and Andy Dick at the Amateur Comedy Night championship. When I was in the bathroom, Colin Quinn came in we totally washed our hands right next to each other. (wow i'm a loser.)

~ The time I carried a tray out of Mirror Lake and all the way back to my dorm before realizing that I had carried it out with me. Then never returning it.

~ Finally doing well in my classes Spring Quarter!

Wow, that was really long. But good times, indeed. Well I think I will close by giving you guys an inside look at what it's like to live at OSU. I give to you now...

A TOUR OF MY DORM ROOM

Ok, here we go...

So this is it...123 Bradley Hall. The room of yours truly. So the first thing you should notice is the badass whiteboard I have on the outside of the door. A word of advice: Find some other way to hang this on your door instead of using the sticky crap on the back, because it is horribly painful to try to get the adhesive off the door at the end of the year. Second, take a look at the sweet nametags on the door. While they may appear to be ordinary nametags, they actually reveal some subliminal messages. Mine is hanging below Mike's, thus reenforcing my lowered status as a colored person. His is white while mine is brown, which is obviously a racial gesture. Finally, the writing on his is gold while mine is silver, indicating that I am clearly a second class citizen in comparison to the white man. And why does his say A+ job? I guess I'm not good enough for a sticker?! In conclusion, OSU = racist. But let's move inside shall we...

Ah yes, the glory that is my room. Pretty clear cut I guess...nothing too special. As you can tell by the little brown splotches in the pictures, the desk closest to the bed is mine. We chose the bunkbed setup, which is a good idea if you want to save space, but try to get the top bunk like I did because the bottom one is really claustrophobic and people will always sit on it when they come into your room. Gross.

So here are our desks. Probably not the best setup actually...we're way too close to each other. And it sucks if people are watching a movie or playing videogames because they always sit in your seat! But that's okay...as a colored man, I am used to giving up my seat to whitey...it's just a part of life I suppose. And I'm not really sure who those people are in the picture above my roommates' desk. I think they are famous cross country runners or something. Either that or terrorist suspects that need to be hunted down and killed.

So this is my desk. Take a look at the cool football and hacky-sack, both of which were free from the student fair. And you can't forget my sweet two dollar mouse pad from Staples. Also, note the awesome lamp, which was a gift from one Michael Andrew Fertal Suglio. It's called a shower lamp and it's supposed to look like a faucet and shower head I guess. It was the one thing that people noticed in my otherwise boring room, hahah. The tassle from convocation is also hanging on it...very nice.

Mmmm....Shiny.

This is the most important button on my clock. I used it often and you should too. But never risk the snooze button when you have a 9:30 class because you will probably never wake up and end up missing the class. Not like I ever did that though...

So here all of my awesome books and movies below my desk. Office Space and Fight Club are absolute must-haves. I think the others are bootlegs that my Dad got from Pakistan, hahah. I also have a nice collection of literature sitting there, including my free copy of the Bhagavad-Gita that I got from that little Hare Krishna Evangelist that often roams Neil Ave, yelling in a high pitched voice, "Take A Look!". A lot of those books are actually ones from class that I didn't sell back. I was surprised by how many of them are actually worth owning...obviously my Calculus and Economics books did not make that cut, haha.

Here is my desk drawer. There are a couple of important things here...First you must realize that every single one of those pens were free from the student fair. Seriously...you get so much free stuff there, it's insane. Also check out my sweet pink wristband. (It gets all the honeys, haha). Now take a look at that green piece of paper in the top right corner. I saved this from Kennedy Commons dining hall...it's a menu advertising food for Black History Month. But look at some of the things offered- Fried Chicken, Collard Greens, Frittered Okra...are you kidding me?! Didn't you forget the Watermelon you bigots? What the hell, it's full of huge stereotypes! Oh well, as long as you have a picture of Martin Luther King Jr, it's not racist at all. Oh, and despite what you think you see, that is definitley *NOT* a movie stub from Hitch at the bottom of the picture...I don't see chick flicks like that. Just kidding- of course I saw it...that movie was so cute!

So now we move on to the other side of my room...really not that much to see here. Check out the microwave and fridge (standard in every room!). Having a fridge is nice...I definitley stocked up on pudding and fruit cups from Buckeye Express. And now that I think about it, I don't think I ever bought a single bottle of milk or orange juice to put in there. I am going to be so screwed when I don't have a meal plan...hahah. Also, note the frisbees above the fridge...all free, again from the student fair.

So this is clearly the bottom of my closet. I would show you the rest of it, but that is a greatly guarded secret! I just wanted to let you know that Tide With A Touch of Downy is the greatest detergent ever (look for the blue cap!) Also, dryer sheets are wonderful.

So this is the dresser area thing. I won that cool glass at this raffle we had in our dorms for people that got good grades (Isn't trying hard a lot easier when you have candy incentives?) Also the Glade plug-in is a must...keeps the room fresh and girly smelling...I mean, uh... manly flower smelling! POWER TOOLS!

This is the cabinet above the dresser. Ah, Easy Mac- it's truly the Ramen of our generation...always a college student's best friend. There's also a bunch of cereal back there, and some styrofoam cups for when I feel like indulging in non-biodegradable dishwear that will spend millions of years destroying the environment.

So this crap is what was under my bed...I don't really know what any of it is, but I'm pretty sure I never used it the entire year. Oh there is also the window fan underneath there- make sure you bring one if you live in the south dorms...it gets very humid those first/last couple weeks.

Yeah so that's about it I suppose. Freshman year is over and summer is here. Who knows what comes next in my career at OSU?

Time and Change Will Surely Show.

How Firm Thy Friendship.

O - HI - O.

Monday, May 16, 2005

Mon, 16 May 2005 04:30:26 GMT

"It rhymes with maroon..."

As everybody knows, people in college love to take pictures. Pictures of their dorms, pictures of their friends, pictures of themselves posing for the camera at parties while holding little plastic cups (try it, it makes you look sooooo freekin keewllz, LAUGHING OUT LOUD!!!!). And inevitably, people like to share those pictures. Many use a website known as http://community.webshots.com.

One day I was perusing this very site and started messing around with the search tool. Have you ever googled yourself or wondered how many other people out there share your name? Well I have and so I decided to do a search for the name "haroon" just to see what I'd find. And boy were the results crazy. There sure a lot of Haroons out there, and they are quite a diverse bunch. Haroons of all ages, all shapes and sizes, and all races. Okay fine- they were all brown, but still. (Skin color shouldn't matter you bigot!) So I've decided to share some of the more interesting people I found. Who is the greatest Haroon of them all? Read on to find out.

1) Egg-Roll Haroon

So about the only thing you can tell about this picture is that this guy doesn't look too thrilled about what's in his plate. Maybe he's not an egg-roll man. But check out the cool facial hair thing he has going on- that little dab under the lip is a pretty sweet look. Also props for the shades on top of the head- that's how the pros do it.

2) Balanced Haroon

So apparently this guy can balance a pillow on his thumb and finger. Pretty crazy. They should call Hollywood or something because this guy looks like he could give Jet Li a run for his money. I can see it now...PILLOW: UNLEASHED. Sounds like a safe investment. But the question remains...why would anyone take a picture of this?

3) Ghetto Haroon

Wow, this guy is pretty street. I would imitate some of that clever slang language these guys use, but that would probably by in poor taste and offensive to our African American comrades. And it just sounds stupid if you're not black. hah. But seriously, can you get anymore ghetto than North-Face? I think not.

4) Scary Haroon

This picture really freaks me out. I mean, he looks so...caucasian. Yikes!

5) Pimp Haroon

P-I-M-P! Man, this Haroon obviously gets all the ladies. It must be the denim jacket and pink shirt. Or the fact that he's sooo like incredibly CUTE!!! OMG LOL TTYL BRB JK ROFL!

6) Stoner Haroon

Hmm...it must be really cold outside because you can see the condensation of this guy's breath! I mean, he should be wearing gloves if it's that freezing lol! And why does he look so sleepy? Weird.

7) Super Pimp Haroon

And you thought that last guy was a P-I-M-P. Look at this guy, he's a walking ladykiller. Parted hair, mustache, collar shirt. And what girl can resist a guy who likes nature? A republican (ohh).

8) Superhero Haroon

Spider Haroon, Spider Haroon...Slings His Webs And Wears Maroon. (Hey I thought it was pretty good. Jerk.) So apparently Peter Parker is brown, who knew? Hah, I wonder how long he had to stay up there before someone agreed to take his picture. The caption says "Haroon (Weird Kid)". Go figure.

9) Mountain Haroon

I have no idea what these people are doing or what this is a picture of. But those are some pretty sweet aviators that guy is wearing.

10) Water Haroon

This guy is probably sitting on the fence because he doesn't know how to swim. That's brown people for you- hey, back off...we're desert people- you can't exactly do the doggy paddle in a bunch of sand dunes okay? Gosh.

11) Wedding Haroon

I can't tell which person in this picture is named Haroon, but chances are he or she is very happy. It's just too bad inter-racial marriages are immoral. Hah, just kidding. But seriously white people, us coloreds are out to steal your women.

12) Douche-bag Haroon

Boo. Que un not cool drinkador. This guy's probably thinking, "These people play ping pong with no paddles? What a strange country!" It serves you right that you go to Michigan-State. Lame.

13) Strange Haroon

The caption for this picture just reads "haroon". WTF? Is that the name of the horse or the owner? Either way, it's not cool. And the horse is brown too! Could you BE any more stereotypical?

14) Old Haroon

Holy Macarel! That's quite a large fish that guy has there. He could probably feed all 12 of his siblings with it, hah. But seriously, look at the size of that thing! Look at it. Look again. Do it. It's big. Real big. Terse. Sentences.

15) Young Haroon

Awwwwwwwwwwww. Little babies are cute. But why does he look so sad? It's probably because he just realized he's brown.

Hmm...I also found this weirdo:

Who's that guy? What a freak!

So that's about it...so many Haroons. You now probably know about 15x as many Haroons as you did before. That should probably be close to the number of Patels in your high school graduating class. Hah. And so, the moral of this story is: Don't post photo albums online for public viewing or you might wind up in somebody's xanga.

So...what do you think about these crazy Haroons? Have a favorite? Leave a comment.

My vote is on the horse.